


with my mid-youth crisis all said and done

by Balthamos



Series: lord it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime [3]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: All Over Again, Autistic Matteo, Coming Out, Demisexual Matteo, Established Relationship, Film Student David, M/M, Nonbinary Matteo, Self Realisation and Understanding, Uni Student Matteo, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 34,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24944503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: This realisation feels like it hits Matteo out of nowhere but it doesn't, not really. This is everything just clicking into place. This is just understanding settling over him. Matteo is ok. Matteo just needs to figure it all out. He's done it many times now but he's not alone this time.this is for the tumblr prompt: "can i ask for some nb matteo 🥺 please? 🥺🥺 there aren’t many fics where he’s non binary and i would love to read it in your writing"This is part of the every version universe but it's stand-alone and can be read without the other two fics. It's from Matteo's POV so anything that happened in the past fics that apply here will be re-explained from his own view. There is a quick overview in the notes just in case.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Series: lord it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708066
Comments: 43
Kudos: 75





	1. no other version of me i would rather to be tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This prompt and the idea of nonbinary Matteo has been on my mind forever. Maybe because I'm nonbinary maybe because I just love the idea, I don't know. But the entire time I was writing every version of me all I could think was I would love to write a scene where Tay helps Matteo realise he's also nonbinary. And the idea it's something he's known about all his life and just buried down was just perfect to me. So when I got the prompt I had to write this.
> 
> all you need to know from the past two fics is:
> 
> David and Matteo are living together  
> Matteo reconciled with his father  
> David began reconciling with his own parents  
> Matteo was diagnosed as autistic, with depression and anxiety relating to his childhood trauma and he's seeing a doctor and a therapist about this
> 
> but if anything doesn't make sense just yell

It was all Tay's fault. David's stupid best friend with their perfect understanding of their gender. Their grasp on it so good and solid that they could talk about it at length, using clear terms and detailed knowledge to get their point across. 

That was why they were in the living room with David right now. Since becoming head of the LGBTQ committee, a position they took incredibly seriously, they'd been petitioning the Uni to be more trans and nonbinary inclusive. The board of governors had invited them to speak on the matter so they were going over the speech with David right now. Matteo had been the one to invite them over, hadn’t really thought much of it.

But Matteo had heard the first three minutes and walked out. Couldn't stand it. Didn't want to hear any more. 

Neither of them needed him there anyway so he was hiding in the kitchen. They had no other rooms apart from the bathroom in their tiny apartment. This way he could pretend to be making dinner or something. He’d only been back from school a half hour. He was probably just tired, he had an essay due soon on childhood behaviours and he needed to get started. But he couldn’t go out there. David would know something was wrong. Maybe he could leave, get out of there but how could he get past them? He wished David had just said Tay couldn’t come over.

_“Hey, I'm home. Can we have a late dinner? Tay's coming over, wants you to listen to their fancy speech, I said it was ok, yeah?” he’d asked as soon as he walked into the apartment, Tay was already on their way over and he didn’t want to blindside David. Especially if he was busy. Which he obviously wasn’t if the way he was laying on the sofa was anything to go by._

_“Remember when Tay was my best friend?” David had asked, sitting up slowly and stretching._

_Clearly he’d had a tiring and busy day._

_“Did they already text you?”_

_“Yeah, they're about five minutes away. Long day?” he’d asked concerned, coming over to check on him. He’d stroked his hair out of his face and greeted him with a soft kiss, then another one before pulling him close._

_“Yeah but I'm ok,” Matteo had said, just sinking into his boyfriend._

He'd just been tired that was all. There was no need for him to behave this way. He was just tired and a little overdramatic. But Tay’s speech… 

_“My name’s Tay and I am nonbinary. I’m here to talk to you about how the University can be more inclusive to trans and nonbinary people but first let me tell you a little bit about myself. When I was born the doctors identified me as female and that was what was written on my birth certificate. But it never felt right. That just wasn’t me. I was not nor have I ever been a girl. But I’m not quite a boy either. For the first eleven years of my life, everyone called me by a different name. Everyone said I was a girl so I accepted it because what other options were there? I wasn’t a boy, that didn’t fit me so I must be a girl right? I had no choice but that just wasn’t me. It felt so wrong on a fundamental level. Even though I couldn’t explain it, I knew they were all wrong. When I was eleven I finally started to find the words that fit me._

_“If gender is a spectrum then I fall somewhere close to the middle. But closer to the perceived male binary than the female. That’s where I lie. But that’s just me. There are so many people that can fall anywhere on that spectrum and we as a society need to try harder to make them feel safe and included. There is no one way to be trans, no one way to be nonbinary, and we don’t have to present or change ourselves just to fit the narrative of us that you have in your head._

_“If a student comes to you and tells you they’re nonbinary and that they would like you to make some provisions for them that’s all that should be required. They know who they are they know their identity better than you and the absolute bare minimum you can do is use the pronouns they ask of you and provide them with safe bathroom access. What you really should be doing goes far beyond that. You need to include more trans and nonbinary content on the syllabuses. You need to invite guest speakers and educate…”_

Matteo had walked out after that.

Nothing in his life had ever made so much sense. He felt like Tay had reached into his brain, plucked the jumbled thoughts and fancies from his head and realigned them into something so undeniably clear. 

So yeah it was Tay's fault. 

Except it wasn't, not really. Tay had just reminded him of something that he’d been thinking a long time. This hadn't started today. Nor had it started when David came home and said he'd upset a nonbinary person named Tay but that he thought he might just have made a friend.

It wasn't when he spent days researching and consuming everything trans that he could get his hands on. Just so he didn't have to ask David stupid questions. He didn't know if that was the first time he'd come across the idea. It felt wholly new and yet familiar on a soul-deep level at the same time. But so much had been going on. He hadn't forgotten exactly but he had David, why did he have to worry about it? 

It was even back before him Leonie and Jonas had hit puberty and he started to realise that he and Leonie were different and he and Jonas were supposed to be the same. He knew objectively how it worked, knew how it applied to his friends but never quite got how it applied to him. He went along with it because what else was he supposed to do?

It had probably started back when he was in primary school. When his light blond hair was down to his shoulders so that he could play with it when he got nervous. When all his clothes had to be made of the softest materials and the palest of pastel colours. Jonas had marched up to him and introduced himself. Asked him if he was a boy or a girl. Matteo had just shrugged. He felt like he'd been shrugging his entire life since then. “I'm just Matteo,” he'd said. That was enough for Jonas. Yeah, he probably thought he was weird but they'd been best friends ever since. 

Just like Tay had said, he knew he was a boy because his mother called him her son. Because Jonas and the boys called him one of them, called him dude and bro. Because David called him his boyfriend. But that wasn't enough anymore. 

It wasn't him anymore. Was it ever him? He didn't think so.

“Did you not like my speech?” Tay asked, from the kitchen doorway. 

“It was fine,” Matteo mumbled, staring down into the sink. 

“Glowing praise from Matteo that.” David was just grinning at him but he looked concerned too. The only reason he hadn't asked if he was ok was because Tay was there. He was waiting for Matteo to take the lead on this, indicate what he wanted. If that was Tay gone then they would be gone. 

“Come on Matteo, I wanna hear your opinion too,” Tay insisted, stepping into the tiny kitchen.

Matteo was trapped. He didn't know how to get out of this and he didn't want to either. He was terrified sure but also at peace. This made so much sense. He couldn't change it. 

“I liked it,” he admitted, “it made sense. Right now nothing in my life has ever made as much sense as what you just said.” 

Both of them looked surprised and Matteo clung shaking to the counter as he watched both of them, tried to read their reactions. For the first time, something about him clicked with someone else before it clicked with David. He was only a few seconds behind though. 

“Oh Matteo,” he said, so softly Matteo thought he would cry. 

“I'm sorry,” Matteo mumbled. 

David opened his mouth to tell him not to say sorry then remembered himself and took a deep breath instead. "Why are you sorry?" he asked. 

“I don't know,” Matteo said quietly. 

David just pushed passed Tay and approached him slowly. He gently pulled him from the counter and into his arms. The shaking stopped immediately. David still wanted him, still loved him. 

Tay bless them was the quietest Matteo had ever known them. David just held him for a good five minutes before pulling back and scanning his face. “Talk now or later?”

Matteo thought about it. Normally he would go look up everything he could about this but he'd done that already and it hadn't done him any good. And Tay was here and seemed to understand him on a fundamental level he hadn't felt in a while. Since meeting David if he was honest. 

“Talk now,” he said, glancing between David and Tay. 

David got it, Matteo wanted to talk things through with Tay. He nodded and led him to the couch. Tay joined them and sat cross-legged on the floor. Matteo slid down there too so David joined them. 

“I guess we won't all fit in the bath,” David mused.

“Ok what? Is this a sex thing?” Tay demanded.

“No, we just have a lot of deep conversations in the bath,” David told them.

Matteo giggled. This was all so silly. Everything was ok. He just needed to find the words. Tay and David just waited for him to find his voice. When it had been about five minutes and he still hadn’t said anything David took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Matteo?”

“Mm?”

“Are you ok?” he asked gently.

Was he ok? He thought he was ok. Everything was a little confused in his head but that wasn’t a bad thing. He was going to understand it. “Ok?”

“Are you calm?”

“Yeah I am, I was panicking before, in the kitchen. I think I've known a long time but at the same time, it all feels so new. Is it stupid? I should’ve figured it out by now right? But then it took me nineteen years to figure out I was autistic so maybe it’s actually pretty normal speed-wise for me. Maybe I'm just slow at these huge realisations. Or maybe it was like being gay or being depressed that I knew since I was quite young, like a teenager but I just ignored it, buried it down. I think that’s true too. Am I even still gay? I don’t know. Yes, I am. I feel like I am, that’s ok, right? 

“And I already felt like me and I don’t really want to change. Because change is hard. But some things have to change I think but I don’t know. Tay, can you help me? I need to sort out my brain. Everything in your speech made sense to me.”

They just waited, not sure if he was finished.

“Ok ready?” they asked after a minute.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Want to talk it through?” Tay offered.

“Yeah please,” Matteo said.

“My speech was about me and how I realised I was nonbinary-”

“You were younger though,” Matteo said. The reason this felt silly was because he felt like he was just realising at twenty-years-old. And that felt dumb. Like how could he have missed this? But he hadn’t, not really.

“There’s no age limit, some people don’t realise until much later than you have,” Tay assured him, “I was eleven and I just knew definitively that I wasn’t a girl, I wasn’t a boy either. That felt a little better to me when I was younger but I knew it wasn’t me either.”

Matteo nodded 

“That makes sense?”

“Yeah… or no its the same,” Matteo said.

“You don’t feel like a guy but girl doesn’t feel right either?”

“I feel like… I'm just me and… I know what I am it’s everyone else that doesn’t get it,” Matteo said. That was what made sense. People saw him wrong, he knew who he was, perhaps he always had.

“Yeah? Can you explain it? How it feels for you?” Tay asked.

“No.”

“Yes,” Tay insisted.

“Ugh.” Matteo just covered his face and rubbed it harshly, trying to not to scream.

“There’s no wrong way of doing this you know?” Tay reminded him.

“Ok… ok…” he uncovered his face again and looked at Tay. They were smiling gently but it wasn’t helping, he felt overwhelmed.

“Take your time, here,” David pushed him forward and sat behind him, he gestured for Tay to come and sit beside them which they did.

Matteo stared ahead and tried to collect his thoughts.

“It’s something you’ve known a while I think,” David said quietly, hooking his chin over Matteo’s shoulder.

“How come?”

“Because you know, you know deep down and you’ve known for a while and it’s become something you just kinda understand about yourself.”

“But I don’t understand,” Matteo whined, why was this so hard?

“Don’t you?” 

“I…”

“Can I ask you a question that Nik asked me once when I was really struggling? In a different way to this. I was in denial. I’d come out but school was tough and I just decided fuck it what does it matter? I'll just be a girl, it’ll be easier and Nik asked me how is it easier? How am I a girl exactly? And I couldn’t answer because I'm not and it doesn’t fit and no I'm not a guy but neither fits me. So then I cut off all my hair in a very dramatic fashion but I felt so much more me because I stopped trying to please everyone and just started to be me, that's when I finally started to accept myself.” Tay took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I don’t want to cut my hair off,” Matteo mumbled.

Tay just laughed. “That’s not... ok Matteo what do _you_ want to do?”

“I like the way I dress,” Matteo said.

“It’s very fashionable,” Tay said.

Matteo scowled, unsure if they were teasing him. “It’s mostly comfortable,” he argued.

“I saw your outfit for the summer formal, you can do fashion when you want,” Tay countered.

“That was not fashion, that was ridiculous,” David said, kissing his cheek.

He’d found a black shirt that was printed with large daisies and he’d paired it with pale green trousers and a matching jacket. He’d looked ok. He knew David thought he’d looked good. Had followed him around all night, just giving him that look, the one where his eyes got all dark. That look that made him feel hot all over. “Fuck off David I looked good,” he muttered.

“He did… or you did. Matteo… are you… what pronouns do you want to use?”

Matteo had no idea. He didn’t know. He didn’t think anything else fit him. And it didn’t bother him so much when people referred to him as “him”.

“Just the same I think but…”

“You can change later, you’re not stuck with what you decide today,” David assured him.

“I don’t care about them I think, I'm just me,” Matteo didn’t know how to explain it. David just squeezed.

“So if I called you she or they?”

Matteo shrugged. “I don’t like it as much, it doesn’t matter but it’s not really me. I think…”

“What do you think?”

“I’d rather just be Matteo,” he said.

“You don’t have to use pronouns at all if you don’t want, it’s harder but we’ll all try,” Tay offered.

“I’d like that,” Matteo said quietly. They both waited, so he continued. “I think… I don’t mind he but I’d prefer it if you just called me Matteo.”

“Perfect,” David whispered, pressing gentle kisses to his cheek, reassuring him that he was loved.

Now for the next bit. The bit that might upset David and make him leave. “But I'm not…”

“You’re not my boyfriend?” David suggested because he always got it. And he wasn’t leaving, he wasn’t ever leaving.

“No it feels wrong but I don’t know what I am,” Matteo said, squeezing Tay’s hand and David’s arm around him.

“I’m Nik’s partner,” Tay suggested.

“Ugh.”

“No?”

“It’s not me,” Matteo said.

“You’re my Matteo,” David said.

That felt good, that made him feel warm all over. That felt right, that felt so good. He _was_ David’s Matteo. “Yeah, I'm just me. Why do I have to define how I fit into a category I don’t even understand? That doesn’t even apply to me? I can stay as he or Matteo because it’s what I've been called forever and it doesn’t hurt me. But I haven’t been your boyfriend forever although it feels like it sometimes but it doesn't quite fit me. It’s not who I am to you. Like at first I thought it wasn’t enough for how I felt. Like who I was to you, like it should be more significant and I think that’s part of it but also it just doesn’t fit, it doesn’t bother me like a lot but I'd rather be called something else,” he said, shrugging.

David pulled him tight against him, running his fingers along his arms. “Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“When you say it doesn’t bother you, can you please be honest and tell me whether it does or not?”

Matteo closed his eyes because if he really thought about it, if he dwelled on it for more than a few minutes it did bother him. It hurt him. It felt so uncomfortable on him.

“It does,” he whispered.

“Ok that’s fine, we’ll work it out,” David said, tilting his face and pressing their lips together. Assuring him that it was ok. That he still loved him exactly as he was. And as he figured it out and as it changed he would still love him the exact same way. “I do like my Matteo though as a placeholder, I think we should keep it.”

“How about lover?” Tay suggested.

If David didn’t have him firmly in his lap he would have tackled them, instead, he kicked out and shoved at them. “Fuck off Tay, why are you even still here?”

Tay ignored him. “Other half?”

“Ugh.” Matteo shoved them again.

“Enbyfriend?”

“No. Jesus,” Matteo muttered. 

David’s hands had reached up into his hair now, running through it, keeping him feeling calm and safe. “Person?”

“Yeah that one’s ok because of the implication,” Matteo said, tilting his head back and staring at the ceiling. David pressed gentle kisses along his jaw and neck.

“The implication?”

“You’re my person remember? Because I’m demi and it’s just you. I always liked that,” Matteo said.

“Ok, we've got Matteo and person for now,” David agreed.

“Soulmate?” Matteo suggested hopefully, knowing that might just be pushing it.

“Soulmate too,” David agreed, fondly amused with him.

“Best sandwich?”

“Yeah and vampire slayer.”

“Yeah that too,” Matteo agreed.

“Ok things are getting really fucking weird in here,” Tay said, looking at both of them like they’d gone mad.

“We have a lot of things for just us,” David explained.

“I’m still gay,” Matteo said.

“The gayest,” David agreed.

Matteo laughed and just tilted his head back and kissed his stupid boyfriend

Right now he felt so good. He felt so calm and peaceful. He knew who he was, he knew how he fit in his identity. Or he was working through it at least. But he wasn’t alone. He never had to figure things out on his own anymore.

“If you want to start wearing makeup I can teach you,” Tay said, teasing him and reaching out to stroke his face. Tay was an asshole, how dare they? 

“No gross,” Matteo muttered.

“Gross? Rude,” Tay said.

“You’ll never get makeup on him, I can't even get him to wear suncream,” David teased, flicking his nose. Both of them were awful.

“It’s disgusting. I can feel it. I don’t like stuff on my face,” Matteo explained. He remembered when they were in Italy that summer David literally tackling him and pinning him to the floor to apply the suncream to his face. 

His dad had walked into the living room on his way to work and just raised an eyebrow. Not offered to help him, not tried to save him from his very cruel boyfriend who had been straddling him and holding him down. He’d just backed out of the room.

“Ok I'm telling you now Matteo, you are white, you need to wear suncream and moisturise or you’re gonna look fifty in five years time,” Tay said.

David snorted behind him.

“Fuck off! No, I won’t, will I?” he asked, worried now.

“Do you moisturise at all?” Tay asked.

“No but David doesn’t either,” Matteo countered.

“Yeah I do,” David said.

“Oh,” Matteo said, that was news to him.

“After I wash my face,” he clarified.

“Oh the cream you put on,” Matteo said, realising what it was for.

“You need to moisturise Matteo damn!”

“Alright I'm coming out as nonbinary, we don’t need to bring my skincare routines into it,” Matteo whined.

“It’s vital to me that you moisturise Matteo,” Tay insisted.

Matteo rolled his eyes, Tay was the most ridiculous person he knew. He was very fond of them though. They were a great friend to David and they’d been looking out for him ever since he’d started school. And tonight they’d helped him so much.

“Ok damn, I'll start tomorrow,” Matteo said.

David was laughing behind him, he could feel him shaking beneath him. Asshole.

“No makeup then,” Tay said, as if they’d made a huge achievement convincing him to moisturise.

“Is it required?”

“No not at all I just like doing it, me and Sasha like to do it, it’s just fun, I’m an artist I like to make things beautiful, myself included,” Tay explained.

“They have a makeover club,” David said.

“Oh ok,” Matteo said.

“But if you don’t even moisturise we don't have any hope of you joining that, and you don’t need to, you are exactly enough as you are,” Tay assured him.

“Yeah?”

“There are no rules,” David said.

“And you don’t mind?” Matteo asked, he finally pulled himself out of David’s arms so that he could face him.

“Don’t mind?”

“You wanted a boyfriend and you got me,” Matteo said, looking down at his hands.

To his surprise, David laughed but he took hold of Matteo’s hands until he looked up at him. “I very much did not want a boyfriend,” he said, “but I got _you_ anyway. You. Exactly as you are and exactly who you’re going to become. I didn’t want a boyfriend, didn’t want anyone but I’m so glad I got you. _You.”_

“A soulmate?”

“Yeah a soulmate,” David said, “I don’t know that I can pull that off in everyday conversation.”

“That’s what I want,” Matteo demanded.

“No, it isn’t,” David said, knowing exactly what Matteo wanted.

“No I really like it when you say my name,” Matteo said quietly. 

“This is my Matteo?”

“Yeah like that,” Matteo agreed.

“Or this is my darling Matteo?” he suggested.

“On special occasions,” Matteo said.

“Or when I'm showing you off?”

“That’s all the time,” Matteo reminded him.

“Well, you’re worth showing off,” David said, pulling him in with a hand on his chin and pressing his soft warm lips against Matteo’s own. Matteo sighed and let his eyes fall closed. Right now in this moment, he felt wonderful. David loved him. Tay understood him. He could figure this out. He could finally be at peace with his gender identity.

“Right enough! You two are too much,” Tay said.

David made to pull back but Matteo wound his hand into his hair. He was enjoying kissing his boyfriend thank you very much. And Tay had no room to talk, Matteo had seen them all over Niklas on several occasions, even once in the library when they were supposed to be studying.

“We are,” David agreed, grinning against Matteo’s lips.

“But you’re so lovely,” Tay said.

“Thank you. Tay do I have to tell people?” Matteo asked.

“Do you want to?” David asked.

“Yeah I think so,” Matteo said quietly, the thought made him nervous but he still wanted to. It wasn’t like last time either. This time he wasn’t alone, this time he felt like there wasn’t a risk that he would be left behind. The risk this time was that the people that he told might not understand. But hopefully, they’d learn because the loved him.

“Then that’s awesome,” Tay said, reaching out and bumping his fist.

He wanted to tell them wanted them to know. Not everyone, just the important ones. Jonas, Amira, his parents he supposed. He wanted them to love him exactly as he was and for that, he needed them to know him. Know the real Matteo, understand that it was a work in progress but he was figuring it out and he wanted all of them to come on this journey with him. He was excited to see where he ended up.


	2. laughing away through my feeble disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the longest time, Matteo has never felt quite real, felt like he was going through life unnoticed and unseen. He met David and he certainly saw him but he never really got why until right now, looking at himself in the mirror, Hans waiting expectantly for a response, he got it.

The idea of coming out to Hans again felt a little weird. But Matteo wanted to, talking to Hans about this felt like the next logical step. Matteo hoped it would go better than last time and he thought it might. He wasn’t nervous this time around. There was no excuse for how he’d spoken to Hans last time but he felt like he’d come such a long way since then. This wasn’t something he’d been hiding, it wasn’t something he was ashamed of or embarrassed about. It was more like something he’d just not put the effort into understanding. It was something he actually wanted to talk about. He wanted to learn and understand it and he wanted to bring people along on the journey.

It felt weird to be back at the WG too, weird to ring the buzzer instead of using a key. He did still have a key, Hans had refused to take it back but he couldn’t find it that morning when he’d left for school so he had to ring. Despite the weirdness, he pushed it anyway, grinning to himself and waiting for Hans to answer.

“Hans’ boudoir, are you a gentleman caller?”

Matteo snorted and rolled his eyes. “For fuck sakes Hans, it’s Matteo I just texted you five minutes ago.” He smiled fondly though. 

Matteo never thought he would but since moving out he missed Hans’ theatrics terribly.

“Not a gentleman then?” Hans asked.

Matteo smirked. “Not quite.” Hans had no idea, not yet anyway.

“Ok butterfly come on up,” he said, buzzing Matteo into the building.

Matteo found him waiting at the door, arms wide open like Matteo was his child returning home from the war. That’s what he’d said last time Matteo had visited. Still, Matteo stepped into his arms now and hugged him back. It had only been a week or two since he’d seen him but he missed him. Knew that Hans felt the same. They had an unusual relationship he supposed. Matteo remembered when he and David were first dating, David had actually thought he didn't like Hans or more that he was actually annoyed every time Hans bothered him. Except he wasn’t bothering him, ever since Matteo had moved in Hans had constantly checked on him. Matteo had never asked him to stop because it had been such a long time since anyone had done that.

“Hello my dear Matteo, it’s good to see you,” he said, brushing the hair out of his face and bopping his nose.

Matteo just grinned and allowed Hans to lead him into the living room.

“So what brings you over? You were very cryptic in your messages, do you need advice? Need your guru?” Hans asked.

He had not been cryptic at all, had sent something along the lines of _are you busy tonight? I want to talk to you._ But Hans always was dramatic.

“I need to tell you something,” Matteo said, sitting down on the sofa. Hans made to move to the opposite sofa but Matteo grabbed his wrist and directed him to sit next to him.

Hans did and sat close. Turning to him and patiently waiting. “Ok?”

“I’m just gonna get straight into it. So lately… no. You know sometimes it’s like you realise something but then it’s like something you’ve known your whole life? It feels brand new but also like the oldest truest thing about yourself you’ve ever known?”

Hans shook his head. “I don’t think so no, maybe if you explain it though,” he said, assuring him he was going to try and understand.

“Ok so it’s kind of forever really but it also feels like something kind of recent… so… you know Tay? David’s friend. They came round here once. They’re nonbinary, right? Do you know about that? What it means?” He was sure Hans did but he didn't want to assume. Assuming tended to get Matteo in trouble.

Hans just smiled patiently. “Yes, Matteo I know what... oh?”

“Yeah.” He could’ve left it at that but Hans waited, gave him a moment, gave him the space to talk and he took it. He wanted to say it aloud. “I’m nonbinary Hans.”

Hans to his credit didn’t look all that shocked, slightly surprised perhaps but not in a bad way. “Oh wow, Matteo that’s... wow…”

“Yeah?”

Hans clapped his hands together. “That’s amazing!”

“It is?”

“It’s wonderful that you’re nonbinary, of course, but it’s amazing that you’ve come here and you’re able to talk about it so sure and confident. I’m so fucking proud of you,” Hans said, grabbing him and pulling him close. Matteo didn’t even try to wriggle free, just relaxed against him and let him squeeze him tight.

“Why?” Matteo mumbled against Hans’ shoulder.

“Because just look at you. Look at how much you’ve grown. You are so brave and so strong, look at you realising this about yourself and you're getting comfortable with it and you know who you are and that makes me so proud.” He was actually crying now, Matteo could feel the tears on his face. He hugged him back tightly then pulled back to look at him.

“You help, you make it easier, it’s always easy to talk to you about this stuff. I know I fucked up before but you let me come back to you and you helped me anyway. So I've told Tay and David but you’re the next person,” Matteo admitted quietly.

Hans wiped his eyes and smiled. “Thank you, Matteo, I'm honoured. So what does it mean?” Hans asked.

“What changes?”

“Yeah.”

“Er… I’m working it out but I'm still Matteo, I think. David says I can come out now but if I figure out things I want to change I can tell you again later, does that make sense?”

Hans nodded. “It’s important for us to know you’re nonbinary right now, but if you want to change your name or anything like that, you’ll tell us later? Because it’s a journey you’re still on?”

“Yeah,” Matteo whispered, “I'm still me, this is who I’ve always been and it feels right. But what it means for me is I'm just not a boy or… a man I guess if I'm to actually accept that I'm an adult.”

“You are twenty now Matteo, I think it’s time,” Hans agreed, grinning at him. 

“Yeah, probably. It’s just this is a thought that has been in the back of my mind since I was quite young really,” he admitted. He still used those terms because the language he had for this was still evolving from how he used to view himself as a child.

“So they them? Or…”

“No, that doesn’t feel quite right for me, but I think that might be because it’s new to me, he is ok for now but I'd rather not use anything if you can, while I figure it out. I just like Matteo,” Matteo explained.

“I like that too,” Hans said.

Matteo grinned. “But _he_ might start to bother me, I’m already becoming more aware of it, I don’t know it’s all so complicated.”

“Can I still call you butterfly?”

“Yes please, I like that,” Matteo said, ducking his head a little as he felt his cheeks getting warm.

“This is really wonderful Matteo, how long have you known?” Hans asked.

“In a way, always, but it was just a feeling. Like none of this feels new, it’s not some huge revelation, just a slow realisation. It was learning about David that I started realising that boy and girl wasn’t all there was you know? And that made so much sense because that was like a question I’d had since I was a kid and people would ask me am I a boy or a girl? And back then those were my only options. And then I got older and I guess it became more obvious to them and I never corrected them because I didn’t even understand.”

Hans nodded and patted Matteo’s knee. “That’s why having the language is so important, to help you understand yourself. I'm not going to lie, I don’t know a shit ton myself, but I'll learn everything for you my butterfly,” Hans said.

“Thanks, Hans,” Matteo said. 

It felt so good, telling Hans felt amazing, he wanted to tell more people. Wanted them to get it. Understand.

“Can I give you a makeover?” Hans asked wickedly, he wasn’t even joking like Tay the other day. Hans had been pestering Matteo pretty much since they’d all moved in. The first week they’d been there he tried to give him a facial, snuck into his room with handfuls of some kind of goo.

“No! Why does everyone keep asking that? Just because I'm nonbinary doesn’t mean I have to wear makeup, Tay says I’m nonbinary enough just exactly as I am,” Matteo whined, hiding his face behind his hands.

“I know but you’re so pretty Matteo.” Hans was actually pouting now like Matteo was the one being ridiculous.

“No,” Matteo muttered, his face red hot now.

“No? Is pretty bad?”

“No or I don’t know, I don’t mind it when David says it, it’s a bit weird from you, but regardless I'm not wearing makeup it’s just gross,” Matteo said, shuddering at the idea.

“Why is it gross?” Hans asked, not giving up. 

“Leonie put makeup on me once when we were kids, it was disgusting. I could feel it all over me, like grease,” Matteo explained, remembering how she’d practically painted it onto his face, wouldn’t let him rub it off either. Made him put on some dumb show in her living room. It had been fun though, sticky makeup aside.

“Well no offence to twelve-year-old Leonie but I can’t imagine she had the highest quality stuff,” Hans said, tapping his nose, and tilting his head this way and that.

Matteo just blinked, no idea where he was going now. What did that have to do with anything? They’d been kids, not supermodels, what did he expect? “Huh?”

“With the right makeup, the good stuff, you shouldn’t feel it at all,” Hans explained.

Matteo was tempted, if he was honest he had been for a while. If he wasn’t so stubborn, if he didn’t always have to say no to Hans on principle he would’ve probably relented by now. He wanted to see what Hans had in mind, what he could look like. He’d seen Hans doing it many times, dressing up for his nights out, all glitter and colour. It was kind of magical the way he made himself glow. 

When Leonie had done it, he’d looked silly, like an ugly doll but then her own hadn’t really been much better. Subtlety had not been her strong point age eleven.

Plus could always wash it all off if he hated it, Hans would understand.

“Fine,” he said, making sure to sound as long-suffering as possible so Hans didn’t get the wrong idea.

“Yes!” Hans jumped up and bounded off to his room.

“Wait now?”

There was a lot of banging and bumping coming from Hans’ room, a lot of drawers and cupboards opening and closing. Matteo felt like he should be worried, wasn’t sure what he’d let himself in for.

“Hi Matteo,” Linn said, coming out of her room to investigate the noise.

“Hi Linn,” Matteo said, leaning his head back over the couch to look at her.

She grinned and waved. “What’s going on?”

“Hans is giving me a makeover apparently,”

“Oh?” She leant against the wall, smiling in amusement.

“It’s er… because I'm nonbinary I guess. Like I just told Hans. And he wants to give me a makeover.” 

Linn just winked at him. “Nice. You don’t need to wear makeup though,” she said. 

“That’s what I said,” Matteo told her.

“You should let him though,” Linn said, backing away to her room.

“Why? So it stops him trying to give you one?” Matteo asked.

“Exactly, you’ll probably look good though, you have fantastic bone structure,” she said.

Matteo just stared. “Thank you? I don’t really know that means though.”

Linn just laughed and retreated back to her room. Hans was still bumping around so Matteo grabbed his phone. He texted David to let him know he was probably going to be late back, it seemed like Hans meant business. He told David as much, let him know exactly why he wasn't home.

He grinned to himself, couldn’t believe he was doing this. It was kind of exciting. He soon changed his mind when Hans brought out a massive box and placed it on the table in front of them.

“Come on Hans, I don’t want all this, can’t I just have a bit of lipstick?”

Hans just rolled his eyes and sat down in front of him. But he waited, didn’t just dive in.

“Why don’t you want to?” he asked.

“Because it’s gonna itch,” Matteo admitted, his face already felt uncomfortable at the thought.

Hans smiled thoughtfully and nodded. “May I touch your face?”

“Ok.”

He ran his fingers gently over Matteo’s cheeks and forehead. Tracing his eyelids. Matteo giggled, it tickled but it felt nice.

“Your skin is nice and soft,” Hans said.

“Yeah, I started moisturising,” Matteo told him.

Hans raised an eyebrow. “Started? When?”

“Last week,” he admitted.

“Jesus Matteo, come on,” Hans muttered, lips pursed in amusement.

“What? I don’t like how it feels, it’s slimy or greasy I don’t know. I don’t like stuff on my face.”

“There’s a joke there but I’m not going to say it,” Hans said, sitting forward and grinning wickedly.

Matteo just rolled his eyes, unamused. “Yeah you keep it to yourself,” he muttered.

“Ok so is this an autistic thing? Sensitivity? Is it just your face?”

“No, it’s everywhere sometimes, you know like when I can't shower? But with my face, it’s all the time I think or… I don’t really know, I don’t wear makeup so maybe it’s not all the time. I just… I don’t like the feeling of stuff on my face,” he repeated.

It was more like he knew he would feel it, had felt it when Leonie had painted him up and it had been uncomfortable. For starters he was just too aware of it and then after a while, it started to feel itchy and uncomfortable because he was so aware of it on his face.

“Ok.” Hans ran off again leaving Matteo frowning after him. He came back with more bottles and a washcloth and towel, dumping it all on the table.

He placed the towel on Matteo’s lap and held out the cloth. “It’s warm. Can I run this over your face?”

“Yeah it’s ok, Hans you don’t have to be so careful with me,” Matteo said, shaking his head.

“I’m not Matteo, I'm respecting your boundaries,” Hans said.

“Ok thank you.”

Hans placed a hand on his chin and tilted his face, running the warm cloth over his face. It made him shudder and jerk back slightly, he couldn’t help it. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s ok, dry your face,” Hans said gently.

Matteo did, the soft towel was clean and fresh, he covered his face and inhaled deeply. It was nice, familiar. Hans always used to wash his towels for him when he lived there, said he was smelly and that he didn’t do laundry frequently enough. It wasn’t laziness though, he didn’t like his stuff freshly washed, it made it all stiff and scratchy. Whatever Hans washed them in left them soft and with a pleasant scent of clean cotton. Something similar to whatever his mama used. Burying his face in the towel reminded him of living there, it had been his home, his safe place. Hans had taken him in when he was lost and put up with all his crap. Matteo had so many fond memories of living there

“Are you ok?” Hans asked.

Matteo uncovered his face. “I miss it, I miss living here,” he said.

Hans just stroked his hair out of his face and then placed a band around it to keep it back. “This was a safe place for you, you were happy here yes?”

“So happy, I was so happy Hans, I know I didn’t say it much but I really was,” Matteo insisted. 

Hans just nodded and smiled warmly. “I know and now you’re even happier where you are now?”

Matteo grinned just thinking about his and David’s little apartment. That was home. “Yeah I am.”

“That’s good.” Hans held up a little bottle. “Ok this you can keep, it’s fragrance-free, and it’s really light.” He took his arm, “see?” He drizzled a little lotion on it and rubbed it in.

Matteo couldn’t feel it at all. “Oh, it’s nicer than David’s.”

“You’re young you don’t need anything fancy, just a little moisture and sun protection. May I put it on your face?”

“Ok.”

“Try not to flinch or squint,” Hans said, pouring the lotion onto his fingertips and running them over Matteo’s face, gently rubbing it in. He hardly used any and it dried with making his face feel stiff or sticky. Hans obviously bought the good stuff.

“Ok now we can get started,” Hans said, rooting around in his box.

“Hans?”

“Yes butterfly?”

“You wear makeup because you want people to look at you, notice you.”

“You don’t want that?

Matteo shook his head. “No, is that ok?”

“That’s fine, I’m going to make it subtle, just enough that you stick in someone's mind after they’ve seen you,” Hans said, pulling out a little plastic pallet with colourful round circles. “First I'm just going to even you out a little.”

Matteo frowned.

“This is not kids stuff, it’ll feel like you’re wearing nothing at all,” Hans assured him.

“Ok but it’s multicoloured, how is that subtle?” Matteo asked, staring him down.

“It won’t be colourful on your face, it’s just concealer,” Hans said, grabbing the brush and sweeping it over the reddish-pink. He waited though, allowing Matteo to think about it.

“What colour will it be?”

“No it’ll just glow, trust me.” When Matteo continued to frown he sighed and pointed at the different colours. “So we have green for your acne, reduce the redness. We’ll try pink under your eyes, you used to have such dark circles, it’s not as bad now. I’m glad you’re sleeping better butterfly,” Hans said, approaching Matteo again with the brush. When he nodded he began to sweep it over Matteo’s face with precise strokes.

“What about foundation?” Matteo asked, he hated that stuff.

“Oh?” Hans was completely focussed on his face running the brush and his thumbs in patterns only he knew.

“Leonie put loads on me,” Matteo explained.

“You don’t need any, your skin is good, honestly just a little concealer is sufficient. We’re going for subtle, just a little glow that’s all.”

“Oh.”

“You thought I was going to paint you up?” Hans asked, frowning amused.

“Yeah, you were pretty excited.”

“Nah that’s not you, this isn’t Ru Paul, Matteo,” Hans teased.

Matteo scowled but he couldn’t help but laugh. He closed his eyes, this was nice, felt nice having Hans touching his face, it tickled a little but he was being so gentle. There weren’t many people he’d let touch his face like this. 

“This is pretty gay gay though,” Hans warned.

Matteo smiled, couldn’t help it. He remembered when the idea of this would’ve terrified him. It wasn’t the thought of the makeup, it was the idea of people looking at him, thinking he was different. Staring at him. Matteo had felt different and out of place his whole life. This didn’t feel like that. Maybe people would look at him, maybe they would stare like they did when they saw him holding hands with David. Maybe they’d judge him, maybe they wouldn’t but what they were seeing would be real. Matteo finally felt real.

“I’m pretty gay gay.” Matteo said.

“Oh I know,” Hans said, Matteo could hear the laughter in his voice. He was glad they could laugh about it now.

“I’m still gay, I'm not changing that,” Matteo said.

Hans nodded, tilting his face this way and that as he worked. “There’s no need if that fits you.”

“It does, it’s me,” Matteo agreed.

“Ok so let’s add a little colour, just a little,” Hans said, pulling out little trays and showing him. “Pick two,” he said.

Matteo looked down and shrugged, there was too much to choose from. 

“What’s your favourite colour?” Hans asked.

“Red,” Matteo said, shrugging again.

“Ok red’s a little bold for your face,” Hans said.

“Green? Like a dark green? No? Weird?”

“No I have an idea,” Hans said, pointing to a dark green and a lighter green beside it. Matteo just nodded, trusting Hans’ judgement.

“Ok, I need you to close your eyes. You’re going to flinch so I'm going to put my hand behind your head but I'm not going to hold you in place ok?”

“Ok,” Matteo said.

As soon as the brush touched his eyelid Matteo jerked back against Hans’ hand but he held steady. It was over quickly, just a few quick sweeps over each eyelid.

“Can I put a tiny bit of eyeliner on you? You need a little gold,” Hans told him. 

“On my lashes?” 

“No, no mascara for you, you won’t like that, it’s just a pencil.” Hans drew a gold line on his own hand to show him, and then touched his finger to the corner of his eye.

“Ok,” Matteo said, bracing for the touch of the pencil. It wasn’t too bad, Hans was very gentle. When he pulled away Matteo blinked a couple of times. He couldn’t feel anything on his eyes.

“Ok final touches, lip gloss, I don’t have green but pink or purple would look good, red would be too much for your delicate features,” Hans said, winking.

“That one,” Matteo said, picking out a pale pink.

“Ok now hold still one last time,” he said, running the wand over his lips, “don’t lick it,” he warned as soon as he was done.

Matteo pouted, he wasn’t going to, he wasn’t a child. “Does it taste bad?”

“Doesn’t taste of anything but I don’t want you licking it all off, ruining all my good work,” Hans said, raising an eyebrow.

“Rude,” Matteo muttered, his tongue darting out to taste the lip gloss. It was a little sticky but not unbearable.

“Ok close your eyes.” Matteo obliged and Hans sprayed something all over his face. “And you’re done, perfect!”

“That was it?”

“That was it,” Hans confirmed.

“Oh.”

“Here you go,” Hans said, holding up a mirror.

“Oh,” Matteo whispered, taking the mirror from Hans and staring at it. He didn’t really know what he’d been expecting. Something over the top, far too bold for his face. Or a patchwork of colours, that was what it had felt like he was doing with the different concealers. 

It didn’t look like that at all. His skin looked smooth and soft. It was somehow brighter, glowing almost. On his eyes was a little green and gold, but not that much, just enough to draw the eye. But altogether it looked beautiful. Matteo looked beautiful.

“Oh?” Hans prompted gently, taking Matteo’s hand.

“It doesn’t… I don’t look like a girl,” he said and that had never been the point. Was never the point.

“No you just look like you,” Hans agreed.

“But I look so… so…”

“Pretty?”

“No Hans I look like I’m magic,” Matteo said.

Hans beamed. “Yeah? I’ve always thought there was something a little magical about you Matteo, something precious and otherworldly. Sometimes when I look at you and the sun is shining just right, you look like a magical creature, a woodland fairy, or pixie or something.”

That felt so familiar, like he’d had this conversation before. It felt like it was old knowledge, deep and fundamental. His mother used to call him a pixie when he was naughty. He’d liked that. She’d called him all sorts of lovely names like that. Little mouse, her sunshine, her angel, her little terror. All of them had fitted so much better than her son. “I like that, pixie,” Matteo murmured. “And I do look pretty,” he added.

“You look beautiful,” Hans said, “do you like it?”

“I think so but it’s a lot, seeing myself like this,” Matteo said quietly. 

Yet he couldn’t look away. He’d always thought he was ok to look at, with his messy hair and his cheeky smile he knew he was cute. David certainly thought so. But like this, he’d never looked beautiful like this before and yet he didn’t look any different, not really. It was still his face it was more like he was seeing himself in a different light. He could wash all this off and he would still see this because this was how Hans saw him. How David saw him too, he’d seen it in his sketches. He’d never quite been able to line up those drawings with himself until now.

Hans was an artist at this. Despite the fact, his eyes were currently shaded with green it felt subtle, almost natural like this was how he was supposed to look. This is how he could be seen through the eyes of an artist and it was beautiful. He was beautiful.

“Here hold on.” Hans reached out and pulled the band from around his head, letting his hair fall around his face, he fluffed it up a little and showed Matteo again.

It framed his face just right, curling around his ears and chin. He looked so soft, gentle, but also mischievous. He looked like he was supposed to look.

“I really like it, it doesn’t even look like I'm wearing makeup really, like I know it’s green but it’s like green is the natural colour for me, does that make any sense?”

“I know what you mean, it suits you,” Hans said. “It’s natural to you.”

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“Can I paint your nails to match?”

“Ok yeah,” Matteo said, looking down at his hands.

“I’m going to do dark green, then fancy gold over the top,” Hans told him, grabbing some bottles.

“Sounds complicated,” Mateo said.

“I’m very good,” Hans assured him. “You like green?” he asked as he began to paint.

“Yeah, like gardens and nature and all that,” Matteo explain.

“You are becoming quite the keen gardener I hear, it’s lucky your boyfriend is gonna get rich and famous, give you a house with a big garden,” Hans teased, turning his hands slightly and continuing to paint.

“Mama has a garden, I used to help her look after it,” Matteo said, remembering how he didn’t so much help as run wild, hiding amongst the flowers or even sneaking through the fence at the back of the garden. Several times Will, the neighbour on the other side, had brought him back round, handfuls of flowers that he'd picked for her clutched tightly in his grip. He always used to call Matteo a peculiar little child, but he never took back the flowers. 

He had been a peculiar child, always a little different. No one ever knew whether he was a boy or a girl. His hair had been a little longer then, always getting tangled when he tried to climb through the bushes, ending up full of leaves and twigs. He used to think there was another world on the other side, was always trying to get there. But he’d never understood the difference himself, could never explain it to them when they asked. It was starting to make sense now but it didn’t make it any easier to explain. He understood how it felt in himself but putting that into words wasn’t that straightforward.

“Your hair is getting long,” Hans said as he painted, “and yet somehow it’s actually tidier.”

“Yeah that’s just me forgetting to get it cut though,” Matteo said, he’d had it longer than this before, went through phases where he wanted it long enough to hide behind until it got on his nerves too much and he cut it all short again.

“I like it, makes you look young though,” Hans said.

“Is that bad?”

“No not at all, just an observation but if you feel like you want to look older, I'd sweep it back,” Hans said.

“Ok thank you,” Matteo said.

“You look lovely by the way,” Hans said, looking up from his nails for a moment and smiling at him.

“Thank you for doing this with me it was fun. Tay wanted to do it but I didn’t want them to,” Matteo said. He figured there were few people he would trust to touch his face like that, Hans was one of the few. It felt too intimate. Half the reason he hadn't cut his hair yet was the same, someone touching his hair, his face, it was a lot. His mama used to cut it, keep it tidy when he was younger. 

When she couldn’t any more his papa tried to take him with him to get it cut and he’d gotten so wound up by the barber touching him that they’d just left it alone. Over the years he’d gotten Jonas’ mum to do it for school and then Linn used to do it sometimes back when he’d lived there but that was months ago. Now he was at uni it didn’t seem to matter, nobody even blinked at the length.

“I’m honoured,” Hans said.

“I am sorry about what I said to you I hurt you,” Matteo whispered, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by guilt. This patient man had forgiven him and taken care of him time and time again and he needed to let him know how much he appreciated him. “I’m sorry and I know I don’t say it because it’s just words and it doesn't feel like enough. But I was sorry and I really didn’t mean to hurt you and it took a long time but I do understand why it hurt you so much. I just… I’d internalised so much you know?” 

“I know Matteo, it’s in the past. I've seen you grow into the wonderful person you are. You were just a scared kid, it was shitty as hell but you didn’t know better. You’ve been taught it’s a bad thing, right? To be so obviously gay?”

“Yeah, I just didn’t want people to look at me differently, I didn’t want to have to be different but I am.”

“Everyone is and that’s not a bad thing and you get that. And now you’re a beautiful butterfly, just look at you,” he said, letting go of his hands so he could look at them.

“I like it,” Matteo said.

“Will you do the make up yourself?”

“Honestly? No I'm too lazy but I'll let you, sometimes,” Matteo said, there was no point, he wouldn’t be able to do this. Maybe he could learn but he liked Hans doing it. He’d never tell him that though.

“Yes! We can do beauty days,” Hans said excitedly, clapping his hands together.

Matteo rolled his eyes wondering what he was letting himself in for. Before he could take it back there was a buzz at the door. Hans sighed dramatically.

“That’ll be Laura, here to make out with Linn, I hardly see her anymore,” he said, pouting as Linn rushed out of her room and ran to the door.

Matteo didn’t think he’d ever seen her move so quickly. “It’s sweet though, Laura is head over heels,” he said.

“Yeah it’s lovely but I miss my Linn,” Hans said, throwing himself back on the sofa.

“Maybe you need a boyfriend,” Matteo suggested, still looking at his nails, turning them in the light. Dark green with gold swirling patterns over the top. Again it looked magical.

“I do,” Hans agreed, “I'm getting old it’s time for me to settle down,” he said.

Matteo just laughed, “Hans-”

He was cut off by Linn and Laura stepping into the room, but it was the fact that David was with them that distracted him.

“Oh Matteo! You look lovely,” Laura said. Beside her Linn nodded enthusiastically.

David didn’t say anything just stood staring until Matteo blushed and ducked his head. “You look so beautiful,” he whispered finally.

“Hey maybe I can doll you up for you date nights,” Hans suggested. 

“Matteo you look so pretty,” David said.

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.

“Hans are you hungry? We’re gonna make some food,” Laura said, nodding toward the kitchen.

“No I’m ok,” Hans said.

“You’re always complaining that you want to spend time with us, come eat,” Linn insisted.

Hans sighed dramatically but pulled himself up off the sofa, following them into the kitchen, muttering to himself.

Matteo stood up, walked around the sofa and leant against the back of it. David approached him slowly.

“Makeovers huh?”

“Do you like it?” Matteo asked quietly, he knew there was no need to be worried, David loved him so much. But he still felt unsure. David had never looked at him like this before, his eyes were dark and intense. Since walking into the room he hadn’t looked away, hadn’t taken his eyes off Matteo, had barely blinked. Matteo liked it, it made him feel hot all over like he was going to combust.

“Yeah, I really do,” David said, standing in front of him, placing his hands on his waist and holding him in place. Matteo shivered he couldn’t help it.

“I’m not doing it all the time, just when I want to feel special but… I really like it, it looks… it look like how you draw me. Do you know what I mean? It doesn’t look that different. It does and it doesn’t.” Matteo had no idea how to explain it.

“It highlights a look you kind of already have,” David said because he got it.

“What look is that?” Matteo whispered.

“Breathtaking,” David said, his hands moving from his waist and tracing up his sides.

Matteo snorted but his face got hotter and hotter. David really did see him as breathtaking and when he looked at himself right now he had to agree.

“You are breathtaking Matteo,” David said firmly.

“Yeah?”

David nodded and held tight. “Breathtaking, since the day I first laid eyes on you, it’s as if you took my breath and I’ve never really been able to catch it since.”

Matteo thought he just might die at that moment. “Jesus,” he muttered.

“Can I kiss you? I really want to kiss you right now,” David whispered, his lips mere millimetres from his own. Matteo felt dizzy looking at him so he closed his eyes.

“You can,” he whispered.

“Will it smudge?”

“No I set it,” Hans said.

Matteo jumped, eyes opening again. David didn't even look away from him, eyes fixed on his. “Go away Hans,” he said.

“No appreciation for the make up artist, I see how it is you-” He screamed as Laura dragged him away.

David gently cupped his face in his hand, traced his cheekbones with tentative fingers, then again with gentle lips before kissing him, tenderly at first. Matteo felt his own lips trembling beneath David's before they parted and he just sank into it, let it take over him. Kissing David was always special but this felt intense in a new way. Kissing him after seeing himself like this, knowing how David was seeing him right now felt electrifying. Felt real in a way he’d never experienced before. Every kiss they’d ever shared was real but there was something different about this. It was exactly the same and different at the same time. David had always been kissing the real him, but now Matteo knew who that was too. He felt more real than he’d ever felt before. 

Matteo pulled back for a second to breathe and noticed the glitter he’d left on David’s lips. He ran his finger along his own lips. 

“Yeah smudgy,” David murmured kissing him again and again. Matteo liked that, liked the way it stuck to David’s lips, it made his skin tingle in the best way. He pulled back again, pressing a kiss to David’s cheek instead, leaving more glitter and laughing softly.

“Pale colours suit you,” David murmured, “but you should wear a darker one next time.”

“So I can leave it on your face?” Matteo just pressed more kisses to his face.

David nodded, “Yeah, but when it’s just us,” he said, grabbing Matteo’s chin again, wanting a proper kiss.

Matteo obliged he was powerless to resist, he didn’t think he’d ever felt like this but at the same time, it was completely familiar. It always was with David, even their first kiss had been so new to him and yet felt like it was something he should’ve always been doing. Eventually, David pulled back slightly, pressing their foreheads together. He looked exactly how Matteo felt, breathless and dazed.

“Let’s go home,” he whispered.

Matteo nodded, right now there was nowhere else he wanted to be but in the little home he’d created with David. “Ok, can I leave it on?”

“Oh you’re not taking this off, anyone stares I’ll end them,” David said.

Matteo rolled his eyes. “Don’t be dramatic, it’s a fifteen-minute walk,” he said. They wouldn’t even see anyone, and it was dark.

“No one gets to make you feel bad about this Matteo,” David said softly.

“Not with you around, remember when you used to be Mr Invisible? Now what you just happy for everyone to look at us?”

“No it’s not that, I just prefer to go under the radar. You’re not like that and that’s ok. You don’t like attention but you don’t want to go unnoticed and there’s nothing wrong with that Matteo,” David said.

Matteo nodded and smiled. That was exactly it and David got it. He used to be so afraid of disappearing, hated it when people looked straight through him. It all just reinforced that worry he’d had his whole life, that he wasn’t quite real. He figured all this probably had something to do with that. If he couldn’t define himself how could he prove he was real?

“Let’s go home,” Matteo said, rummaging through Hans’ makeup box and grabbing the purple lipgloss he’d shown him earlier. He shoved it into his pocket and winked, pressing a finger to his lips. David just smiled fondly and took his hand, leading him away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok I lied but not intentionally, it really was going to be three chapters but then Hans' chapter became it's own and it felt right to separate them. so now it's five. up next we've got a Jonas chapter.


	3. cut clean from the dream that night, let my mind reset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo kept saying he'd felt like this his whole life, that it wasn't anything new, just something he was starting to understand. He kept saying that deep down that he'd always known. So how did he explain that to someone who'd known him almost as long?

If Matteo had thought telling Hans was weird this was certainly weirder. He was in the park waiting for Jonas. Just like last time. It felt right to do it here. It wasn’t weird because he thought Jonas was going to react badly or stop being his friend or anything. He just thought Jonas probably wouldn’t get it. And in trying hard to get it he would probably get it even less. He was like that sometimes and Matteo loved him for it but it made it a lot harder to explain his side of things. 

He watched his best friend approaching and the nerves began to build.

“Hey Jonas,” Matteo said, as he sat down and bumped their shoulders.

“Hey, everything ok?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Matteo asked.

“Well last time we did this you were coming out to me, not that that was a bad thing it’s just you know…”

He hadn’t realised Jonas would put two and two together but he was right. That’s why he was here again. They’d met up in this same spot the first time he came out, it felt fitting to do it again.

“I do have something to tell you,” Matteo said.

Jonas nodded. “Ok shoot,” he said.

“Guess,” Matteo teased.

Jonas groaned and shoved him but Matteo held his ground. “Really?” Jonas whined.

“Nah I don’t think you’ll get it this time,” Matteo said, smugly.

That seemed to offend Jonas and he huffed and crossed his arms, frowning at Matteo. “I might give me a chance,” he insisted.

Matteo shrugged, he absolutely wouldn’t but he’d give him a chance anyway. “Ok.”

“You want me to be your best man?” Jonas guessed.

Matteo rolled his eyes, this was becoming a bit of a joke between the two of them since he’d moved in with David. Jonas kept asking if they’d set a date, seemed to be worried that Matteo was going to choose Abdi as best man instead. Jonas was an idiot and Matteo told him as much.

“Ok so serious? Good or bad?” Jonas asked.

“Good I think,” Matteo said quietly.

“Your parents?”

“No.”

“You doing ok, mentally, with school and stuff?” Jonas asked.

“My brain is doing ok at the moment, it’s not that,” Matteo said.

“That’s good though, you don’t need _me_ to do anything?”

That was something Jonas was being a bit much about. Since Matteo had told him what had been going on with his mental health, with therapy and seeing the psychiatrist, Jonas had made it his mission to be the most understanding friend on the planet. He seemed to have read everything he could get his hands on about depression, trauma, anxiety, and autism. It was sweet. But it was a bit of pain in the ass if Matteo was honest. 

He loved Jonas he truly did but sometimes this need of his to do the right thing always, overshadowed his ability to listen. He got carried away with it and forgot his opinion wasn’t the one that counted sometimes. Matteo knew how to shut him up though, twelve years of friendship had taught him that, he just didn’t really want to deal with his pouty face right now.

“Not about that,” he said.

“Ok no, I can’t guess,” Jonas admitted.

Matteo took a deep breath. “I want to come out to you again,” he said.

Jonas’ eyes widened and Matteo could almost hear him thinking as he tried to figure it out.

“Ok um? You’ve lost me,” Jonas said.

Matteo rubbed at his face. “Yeah uh… I don’t know…”

“Don’t be scared to tell me,” Jonas said gently.

“Do you remember when we met?”

“No... kind of,” Jonas guessed.

“I do. I remember it exactly,” Matteo said. And he really did it was vivid in his mind whenever he recalled it. He knew it was because it was such an important moment, meeting Jonas. Jonas had been his first friend, he was not Jonas’ but he was the one that stuck.

“You would,” Jonas teased and Matteo shoved him.

“You asked me if I was a girl or a boy,” he said.

Jonas nodded thoughtfully, unsurprised by the comment. He may not remember when they met but he remembered Matteo back then. “You had long hair back then,” he said.

To Matteo hair length had meant nothing, as a child, he could never understand how he and the other children were being distinguished by the length of their hair. The clothes they wore. Names made more sense, he found words easier to categorize than people. But appearance he just didn’t get. It probably didn’t help that his appearance didn’t match anyway. Over the years he’d come to learn it, just a little slower than others and still never really saw it the same way. Definitely not when it had to be applied to him. “Yeah I did, do you remember what I said?” Matteo asked.

“No. Yeah, you didn’t say anything?” Jonas guessed.

“I said I'm just Matteo,” Matteo said.

“Ok?”

“And then I guess you decided I was a boy,” Matteo said, quietly, somehow managing to continue to look at Jonas, watch for his reaction.

He looked concerned and confused. “Yeah… oh was I wrong?”

“Yeah,” Matteo whispered.

“Ok?”

Matteo swallowed and closed his eyes, he didn’t know why he was upset. Jonas wasn’t freaking out at all. Jonas took his hand and squeezed it.

“I’m not… a boy, a man, that’s not me,” Matteo said.

“Are you trans? Like David or… the other way?”

“No not like David more like Tay?” he suggested, even though that wasn’t right either. He just didn’t know how to get it across. Tay and David had got it immediately. Hans almost as quickly and certainly with only a little explanation.

“Ah,” Jonas said, like it all made sense, even though it couldn’t possibly. He definitely had not explained enough yet. 

“I’m not really like Tay either, I’m like me,” Matteo said, he didn’t want to have to use others as an example. Nobody was quite like him, there was no other example.

“Ok, and what’s that?” Jonas asked.

“I’m nonbinary,” Matteo said, knowing Jonas would know what it meant at least. As far as definitions went but not how it applied to him, that was what he had to explain.

“Ok that’s cool,” Jonas said.

“It’s cool?”

“Yeah it’s good, it’s a good thing,” Jonas said.

See this was what he’d been worried about. Jonas just blindly accepting it without leaving room for him to explain. It was ok when he came out as gay, in fact, it was essential but that was far more straightforward. This, his identity was far more nuanced, far more specific to him and Jonas couldn’t possibly get it with Matteo explaining further. He needed him to question, not just accept it straight away because Matteo was never good at speaking up.

“Ok. I'm still gay,” he said.

If only because that was the easiest way of describing it. He may have struggled with his own gender but he was pretty good with others now. He liked men that was definitely true. He liked David and he was a man. Matteo was not quite a man and he liked men. Gay still fit best for him.

“Yeah?”

“And I'm still Matteo, I'm not changing my name. And I'm keeping he and him as my pronouns but I'd like it if you used them less. I know it’s hard but if you could just try to use Matteo as much as possible instead, while I work it out,” Matteo said.

“Ok but she or they?”

“No or… I don't know,” he said. He’d been thinking about it but David had assured him there was no rush. They were going to try different things, see what was comfortable. Him still didn’t bother him, but he was finding himself more and more aware of it. David had asked him to speak up when stuff bothered him. This didn’t but it felt like it might, the more he noticed it, knowing now that it didn’t quite fit.

“Ok so then really nothing’s changed,” Jonas said, smiling.

Matteo grimaced. That hurt. Because nothing had changed he was still the same, this was just something that he was beginning to understand. But that wasn’t how Jonas meant.

“No it has,” he insisted,

“Has it? I mean yeah if you wanted to be a girl or be neutral I guess but if everything’s staying the same then really you didn’t even need to-”

“Please stop,” Matteo whispered. If Jonas continued he’d never be able to argue with him, arguing wasn’t his strong point at all. And Jonas would keep on and on at him, convincing him that nothing had changed. When everything had. 

“Matteo?”

“You don’t get it,” Matteo insisted.

“Ok?” 

But he would listen, he would try to understand if he just let Matteo speak.

“Don’t dismiss me. Firstly, there's no want about this. This _is_ me. Secondly, you don’t get to decide it’s the same. It’s not the same. You get to call yourself a man and know it’s the truth. That’s not my truth. I do get to come out about this, even if nothing changes at all, I get to come out and tell you my truth. I’m not a boy like you. I’m not a girl. I'm just kinda in between except that’s not right either but I just don’t know how to explain it to you. You won’t get it. This is hard, it’s not easy at all,” Matteo said, stopping to catch his breath, he felt panicky and unsure. Needed to calm down or Jonas would never get it.

To his credit, Jonas looked incredibly apologetic.

“I’m sorry, I'm so sorry. Explain it to me, Matteo,” he said gently.

He knew he’d fucked up, he was pulling that face now. The pouty sad face he pulled when he was in the wrong. Matteo sighed and shuffled closer. Jonas slung his arm around him.

“I don’t know how,” Matteo mumbled. “It was easier with them because they both get it. You can’t understand it,” he said.

“Then don’t try to make it easy for me, don’t try to pander to me. Don’t try to speak my language, explain it to me in terms you understand and I will try my hardest. I’ve known you my whole life I think I get you like ninety-five percent of the time,” Jonas said.

He did, not immediately like David, he would often have to repeat himself, but he tried really hard. Because he cared. He would understand because he cared and because it was important to Matteo.

Matteo sighed. This still felt like a near-impossible task. Should he even bother? Jonas got the basic definition, wasn’t that enough? It wasn’t though, not to him.

“It’s not enough for you to define yourself with language that doesn't fit you just to make it easier for me, we should make the effort. Explain it with lots of words, explain it in your roundabout way, make me guess stuff if you need. Explain it in your terms,” Jonas insisted.

Matteo loved him for that. He really did know him so well.

“Ok. ok.”

“You're not a man?” Jonas prompted.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard. “No, and I never have been. It’s so complicated in my head but like I have this deep understanding of it, I just know it’s me, and it makes sense. It’s explaining it to others that I struggle with. When we were kids I never really got it. Me, you and Leonie? I thought we were all the same. Did you know then she was different to us?” Matteo asked.

“Yes.”

“Did you know how?”

“Yeah she was a girl,” Jonas explained, frowning. He was trying, Matteo had his full undivided attention.

“Yeah that’s what everyone said but I didn’t get it?”

“Why she was different?”

It wasn’t that. He knew Leonie was different eventually, as they got older. “No, why I was the same as you,” he explained.

“Because you’re not?”

Matteo nodded. That was how he understood it, how he got it back then too. As he started to understand the differences between all of them he started to put them into categories. Separating the easy ones by name. As they got older it helped. He was able to differentiate them by who was like his mama and who was like his papa. But it was fairly arbitrary. And he didn’t fit it so he’d always known it was wrong. But the rest of the world seemed happy to use such categories he’d just accepted it. Accepted that he fit in with Jonas too, even though it felt wrong. “Yeah,” he said.

“So you were never going to get it?” Jonas asked.

Matteo nodded against his shoulder, he never had a chance really. “Exactly,” he agreed.

“You tried though,” Jonas said.

“Yeah.” He had tried so hard. He’d tried to be straight too. Tried to ignore his depression. Ignore the fact he was autistic. He’d tried to ignore so much and it had hurt him. 

“Was it bad?” Jonas asked.

“I don’t know. Now that I'm figuring it all out, I'm thinking why did it take me so long?” He still felt so dumb about that. But then this wasn’t some huge revelation, just a slow realisation.

“I reckon it’s taken you exactly as long as it needs to, I don’t think you’d have been ready to deal with it at thirteen,” Jonas suggested.

“Probably not,” Matteo agreed,

“Would it have made you happy?”

Matteo thought about it. He would probably never know. But at thirteen everything was such a mess, he didn’t think he would’ve handled it well. “Not really or not with everything else that was going on,” he said.

“Then you’ve figured it out at exactly the right time, when you’ve got so many people who can support you. Back then you only had me, and obviously I'm amazing but look how much I've struggled through getting it right now, imagine back then,” Jonas said.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to explain more about it?” Jonas suggested, knowing he was likely to get lost in his thoughts.

Matteo shrugged.

“Do you want me to ask you more questions?” Jonas asked.

“Ok.”

“When did you first realise?”

“That I wasn’t a boy? I was very young I think. I guess it must have been around the time I realised there were supposed to be differences and that I was in one category. I have this vague memory of thinking it didn’t quite fit but I had no other language for it, I just knew I wasn’t. Everyone told me I was and I felt like an imposter, like I was playing some trick on them because I wasn’t.”

“Language is important,” Jonas said.

Matteo sighed and pulled away, Jonas let him. Watched him climb up and start to walk along the wall, it helped him think. “Yeah,” he said, still trying to figure out how to put it into words.

“Ok ok so-”

“Do you think it’s too much?” Matteo asked, stopping his pacing suddenly and turning to Jonas.

“Too much?” Jonas asked.

“That I'm too many things now,” he said.

Jonas just stared for a moment. “What things are you?” 

“Nonbinary, demi, autistic, gay, and depressed a lot of the time,” he listed. God, he was just a mess, wasn’t he? It was amazing he was even functioning.

“You are a lot,” Jonas said.

“Oh,” Matteo whispered, sitting down, all his energy leaving him. Jonas took his hand.

“But so is everyone. Like I'm cisgender and straight and I’m not autistic, what’s the word?”

“Neurotypical,” Matteo told him.

“So that’s three things for me,” Jonas said, gesturing for him to move closer again.

Matteo stared out across the park for a minute. Just trying to figure it out. He watched the people going about their day. Walking their dogs, riding their bikes. They had normal lives. They probably didn’t have to come out to their best friend in this park. Or maybe they did. How would he know? He didn’t know the first thing about their lives. Everyone had something. Some, like him, just had more than others. 

There weren’t even that many people about. It was October now and the cold was setting in. Matteo pulled his jacket tighter around himself. “But those are normal ones,” he said finally.

Jonas shuffled closer when he realised Matteo wasn’t going to move.

“Only because of society,” Jonas said.

Matteo rolled his eyes but he was right in a way.

“You know I should have seen it coming, I remember in the summer holidays, I came over and you were wearing that dress,” Jonas said, not unkindly.

That was true but it didn’t really have anything to do with this. Or maybe it did. He’d worn the dress because it was soft and purple and it had little flowers on it and he liked the way it had felt on his skin. He’d begged his mama to buy it for him in the shop. Plus a pair of pale green soft cotton trousers. Looking back they were probably leggings but they didn’t itch, that was what was important. He’d been six, didn’t really understand it. 

Jonas had laughed at him too, said he’d looked silly. He hadn’t understood it. His papa wouldn’t let him wear it to school either. Didn’t seem to mind around the house but wouldn’t let him outside in it. Matteo understood that now, he was protecting him. Back then not so much but it was before he’d become distant. At that age he’d trusted his papa explicitly, rarely questioned him. The dress became something to dance around the house in. Matteo had loved it.

“That was because it was soft, I just… I used to have favourite clothes, still do. That was an autistic thing not a gender thing,” Matteo reasoned. He hadn’t wanted to look like a girl or… if he wasn’t a boy he didn’t see why he couldn’t wear it. It really was because it was so light and soft, no other reason. It was just fabric to him. It was long before he even became aware of how he looked, or cared at least. But he did kind of like, the way it swished, the colour. He liked the way people couldn’t possibly see him as a boy if he wore it.

He’d told his dad as much and his dad had smiled sympathetically and told him those people would be cruel. That the dress had to stay indoors.

“But it’s kinda linked right?” Jonas asked.

Matteo frowned, not sure where he was going. “Right?”

“Because of how _you_ perceive gender. I read about this, you know? When you told me you were autistic. I read everything I could and there was an article on this-”

“I told you not to read articles.” Matteo had been pretty clear about that, had told Jonas to ask him first before researching.

“I know, I know but it was posted in a forum by an autistic teenager,” Jonas reasoned.

“Ok,” Matteo said, slowly, “were they nonbinary?”

“I… I’m not sure, they said they didn’t care about their gender at all. Couldn’t grasp it and had given up, the reason they were posting was because they wanted to figure out what it meant in regards to their sexuality and whether it was related to their autism,” Jonas explained.

That was different to Matteo though, he knew his sexuality and he wanted a grasp of his gender. But this person was valid too. Matteo hoped they found comfort in whatever they discovered.

“What did the article say then?” he asked.

Jonas grinned and Matteo braced himself for an explanation of something Jonas may not understand.

“It was a small study but pretty much that, backed up this person’s view that their struggle with their gender may be linked to autism. I think it’s in the way you perceive yourself and others, I think it’s the first thing I think when I see people. Or not even think it’s just there, that’s a guy or that’s a girl. It’s obvious. You don’t?”

Matteo thought about it. It definitely wasn’t automatic to him. It had gotten quicker over the years but it wasn’t automatic. “No it takes a moment with me. And I don’t need to do it with strangers, so sometimes I don’t bother. But...

“But?”

“With David it was different, I think that was the first time it felt more automatic. Because I liked him straight away, I didn’t know in quite what way immediately but I was definitely attracted to him. So I knew immediately does that make sense?”

It probably didn’t but it made sense to him. His attraction to David had been like nothing he’d ever felt before. He knew in that moment he wanted to be close to David in whatever way he would allow. And that if he wanted that he was probably going to have to deal with the gay thing.

“Ah ha!” Jonas looked delighted with himself.

“What?”

“If you weren't demisexual then you’d probably see it quicker because you’d have the hots for all the boys,” he teased.

Matteo huffed, that was such a stupid and simplistic way of looking at it. He was kind of right in a way. In a _very_ basic way. “Funny,” he muttered. “Look with others I know pretty quickly these days, I’ve learnt you know? But with David it was right there the very second I saw him. Everything is always so much with him, this was no different. I didn’t really think about it till just now. And with others, I know but I don’t care? Because what does it matter?”

Matteo swore the more he spoke the more confused he got, Jonas had no chance. In his head his thoughts it made sense, out loud it became gibberish.

“Ok so back to the dress because if you don’t see a difference, especially in how it applies to you, you would feel comfortable presenting in what is typically more female. Like I definitely wouldn't. Or... not wouldn’t it’s not awful or anything, you saw me at the abiprank but it definitely felt weird. Like I was aware they weren’t really for me. Which is probably stupid. But that’s why I brought it up because I’ve been reading about this. I can send you the article if you like?

Matteo stared. He got where Jonas was coming from but didn’t want to be reduced to textbook cases and articles.

“I guess but…”

“Sorry I'm not trying to explain you, I really am just trying to understand,” Jonas said.

He was sweet really, harmless. He was Matteo’s best and oldest friend and he always would be. He would always try to understand Matteo, he was just trying to get a head start. In a way, he was trying to make it easier for Matteo to explain. But it just didn’t work that way.

“No I think you’re right in a way and I think the two are probably linked. I think I'm nonbinary no matter what but I think my concept of gender for myself and for others is influenced by the fact that I just don’t get it on a neurotypical level,” he suggested.

Jonas nodded and stood up. 

“That kinda makes sense but I guess we’ll never know, c’mon let’s get you home,” he said, grabbing Matteo and pulling him up.

“What?

“You’ve been shivering for ten minutes I don’t want you getting sick,” Jonas said, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him out of the park.

Matteo hadn’t even realised he was cold until Jonas pointed it out and now it was painfully obvious. He shivered uncontrollably and leant into to Jonas, trying to steal some of his warmth while they walked.

“So this is my brain and it’s never been any different. Can you explain how it is for you? How it feels?” he asked.

“I can try,” Jonas said.

“How do you know you're a guy?” Matteo asked.

“I just know,” Jonas said shrugging.

“Yeah exactly,” Matteo said, he’d suspected as much.

“How do you know I'm a guy?”

“You told me,” Matteo said.

“That’s all it is?” Jonas asked, watching him carefully as they walked. Matteo envied him that, if he tried to focus on Jonas he’d be on his face by now.

“No like I guess I learned what it was that coded you as a guy, same as for everyone but then that doesn’t apply to everyone you know? And now I’m doubting all that, so it’s easier if I take how you define yourself,” Matteo explained.

“So if I changed you would just accept it?”

Matteo gave him a pointed stare.

“Hypothetically I mean,” Jonas said with a shrug, “is that bad?”

“No not bad just… hypothetical isn’t easy for me anyway but… ok if you really did, I’d struggle because I’ve had to teach myself already that you’re a guy. I would probably screw it up a lot. But… I’d believe you, if you told me then I would believe you. So to me it’s a brain thing, what you feel in your brain is what matters, the body thing doesn't matter so much to me. In part because I often feel so unconnected from mine. Also to you my body looks like a guy but my brain knows I’m not. So yeah if you know in your brain and in your heart, I’ll believe that, I think. It makes sense to me. I'll categorise people because I'm expected to but I don’t really care,” Matteo explained.

“But you’re gay?”

“Oh yeah but that’s… I’m not attracted to girls,” he said. 

It was so much more complicated than that but it was true. He felt like it contradicted everything he’d just said.

“Girl brains right?”

“You make me sound like a zombie but kind of I think?”

“But you only hang out with the boys though, so you do know a difference,” Jonas said.

Matteo sighed, they’d reached the apartment, so he let them up. They could continue this conversation inside.

“No I don’t though,” he said, letting Jonas into the apartment. “I have Hanna and Sam too, and Amira is my best friend after you and David,” he argued, kicking off his shoes. Jonas did the same and they both went inside and collapsed on the sofa. David had classes until late so he wouldn’t be back for a while.

“Ok ok maybe this whole gender thing is dumb,” Jonas suggested.

Matteo shook his head. “No it’s important, it’s really important. Not to me as much but for David, you can’t just do blanket statements like that. He had to fight to be a boy and that is absolutely who he is. You know what I can see how much he is a guy more so than I ever did with you because he has such an understanding of it. It’s easy for you to know. He has fought with himself on this for years and he knows it’s his absolute truth. He knows his mind and knows exactly how his body did not match it. I know he’s a guy more than anyone I’ve ever known because he is so sure, and I love him for that… and everything,” Matteo said. 

He swore he’d talked to Jonas more today than he ever had in their fifteen years of friendship.

“It’s not dumb, it just doesn’t apply to everyone in the same way. But it’s important to some and you can’t just dismiss it. What it is is the opposite of dumb, it’s far more complicated and nuanced than you can even imagine. You’ll never get it I don’t think but I first truly started understanding myself when he explained his dysphoria and how when he started changing at puberty how awful it was and then when he could correct it, how amazing he felt in himself.”

“Do you get that?” Jonas asked.

“No but I understood what he meant the feeling of not matching just not the pain that came with that, but then I don’t know because we all feel things differently, and I’m still learning so… I don’t know? I like the way he sees me, that’s enough for me right now.”

“Ok?”

“Do you get it at all?” Matteo asked, trying not to sound desperate. It was really important to him that Jonas got this. He was so done with being misunderstood.

“No,” Jonas said gently, “but I get you,” he added.

“Yeah?”

“You’re not a boy, you’re not a girl. You’ll be mostly perceived as male but you don’t want us to perceive you that way? Your friends? Because you don’t care much for strangers, really, it’s kind of like they stop existing for you once they're out of sight or mind. Deep down you only really care what we, your friends and family think of you,” Jonas explained.

And wasn’t that everything Matteo had been thinking, put so simply and clearly? Jonas may say he didn’t get it but he did. He absolutely did.

“Yeah, that’s it Jonas,” Matteo whispered.

“And you want to step away from using he but you don’t have any other pronouns you want to use so we should just say Matteo more but he is ok for now and that might change but as soon as you say the word I’ll learn whatever I need to,” Jonas promised.

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.

“I don’t think I get it at all Matteo,” Jonas admitted.

“Oh.”

“But I'm going to, I’m going to,” he assured Matteo. “It’s complicated because this was always you but it’s not like the autism where nothing really changed because we’d all just learnt it as we went along. This is something new,” Jonas said.

To him maybe, to Matteo it was not new at all. “But is it surprising? I told you from the start I wasn’t a boy,” he said.

“You did and that’s on me for assuming,” Jonas admitted. “Also can we eat something? I’m starving.” At that moment his stomach rumbled emphasising his point. They both laughed.

“Yeah come I’ll make pasta,” Matteo offered.

“Yes!” Jonas cheered. “I am sorry though, Luigi, for assuming,” he said, grabbing a pan and handing it to him. He was worse than David, hovering over him while he measured out the pasta. 

By measure all he really did was toss it in the pan, big handfuls of it. He never really followed recipes, they never made sense anyway. His nonna’s instructions made sense, she’d taught him when he was young with simple instructions that never went wrong. He couldn’t pass it on in any sensible way but he knew how to make most pasta dishes with ease. He liked cooking with Laura because she taught him in the same way. Told him what he must do and which bits he could freestyle with. It made more sense than any cookbook did.

“I forgive you,” Matteo said, grabbing some tomatoes and onions. He prepared the veg while the pasta cooked.

“I love you you know that right? I love you so much, you are my very best friend I think of you as my family you know that?” Jonas said, trying to steal some tomato. Matteo tapped his hand gently with the knife.

“You’re my brother Jonas, I'm just not yours. But yeah I'm your family, I like that,” Matteo said.

“So if you’re not my brother then I guess you’re not David’s boyfriend anymore,” Jonas guessed.

“No right now I'm just his Matteo,” Matteo said, unable to help the way his face warmed.

“Oh god you two are so much!” Jonas muttered, climbing up on the counter and continuing to watch him cook. “Hanna lets me help you know?”

“Well Hanna is far more trusting than me. But the first time he called me that I almost died, it fit so much better than boyfriend,” Matteo said.

“That’s nice. And what about when you get married? You won’t be his husband but his soulmate I guess,” Jonas said.

“Yeah but I already want that one,” Matteo admitted, putting the vegetables on to cook.

Jonas nodded thoughtful. “Well you are practically married, oh! You can be his betrothed when he proposes,” he suggested.

“Oh! I like that I want that,” Matteo said.

That sounded really good.

“I’m sorry that I don’t fully get it yet and for saying that you didn’t need to come out,” Jonas said.

“I forgive you, it’s not your fault you're dumb,” Matteo teased, turning to face him and grinning.

“Hey!”

“But for real, you have a privilege there because you’re cis and straight, you don’t need to work these things out for yourself, for you it’s a given.”

“Yeah I know but I will try my hardest to understand them for you,” Jonas insisted.

“Or just to be a good person you know? Like you’re always the first to jump on the latest cause but do you ever step back and think about what it actually means?” Matteo said, immediately regretting it. He didn’t mean to have a go.

“Huh?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Matteo muttered.

“No tell me,” Jonas insisted.

“Ok, like when David was outed you immediately started rallying round-”

“That was Hanna!”

“Yeah I know but it was you too, and you were ready to go protest or whatever and that was great but like I said then you gotta check what he wants first. Back then he wanted to be invisible ok? And it’s the same when you look up all this stuff about me, I appreciate it but very little of it is going to be my experience. You gotta ask me. And when you joined the rescue for the refugees why did you do that?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” he said, frowning.

“It is but why?”

“Because…”

“Because you wanted to be political, it’s ok I think doing the right thing for the wrong reason if you still do good but if you use it to show off then it’s shitty,” Matteo said.

“I don’t show off,” Jonas said, jumping down and prodding Matteo’s face.

“You did a little, you got a bit…”

“Insufferable?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said, grinning, he knew Jonas could take it.

“Yeah I did but then I realised that that didn’t help the cause,” Jonas admitted.

“No exactly you started to get it and you do it for the right reasons now, this is kinda like that,” Matteo said.

He went into it to make himself feel better about the state of the world. So he could go home and say he’d done his bit. It wasn’t nearly that simple but Jonas was smart, he picked up on it quickly. He was still there now, what was supposed to be a year out had turned into two. He was going to Uni next year and then when he was done he was going back. As what Matteo didn’t know, Jonas didn’t even know but he would go back and help. It might even become his life’s work.

“How so?”

“You’re gonna try and learn all this stuff to understand me better and that’s fine but you can’t use that to portray yourself as super tolerant or woke because Jonas it’s the bare minimum I deserve from you,” Matteo told him.

Jonas looked shocked. “Fuck Matteo-”

“Sorry it just annoys me sometimes, I don’t mean it, sorry.”

“No I… you are so fucking smart Matteo,” Jonas whispered.

Matteo looked at him then and realised the shock wasn’t because he was upset, it was because he was in awe. “Yeah?” Matteo mumbled.

“The smartest guy I know,” Jonas said. 

Matteo just leant against him and grinned when Jonas slung his arm around him. “I am smart I tend to forget that sometimes,” he said.

“You gonna tell your mum and dad?” Jonas asked, stepping away so he could drain the pasta.

“Yeah,” Matteo said quietly. He was very nervous about that.

“How do you think it’ll go?” Jonas asked. Matteo added the vegetables to the pasta and they just sat down right there on the kitchen floor. Eating it straight from the pan. They’d done this a lot when they were kids.

“Well dad is still terrified of both of us so he’ll accept it immediately because he just wants to stay in the family,” Matteo said.

“It’s still so weird that he’s back,” Jonas admitted.

“You don’t get it, you don’t get how important he is to me, I know he was gone a long time and I know you took care of me but I forgive him, no one else gets a say in this, not even David and we’ve already argued on this,” Matteo said.

“Ok it’s just I was there when he left, I saw what you were like,” Jonas said quietly.

“I know and the reason I was so bad was because it hurt so much that he was gone. Now he’s back and he’s gotten the help he needs and he wants to be there for me so I'm gonna let him, he’s my papa Jonas, I need him,” Matteo said, leaving no room for arguments.

Jonas nodded thoughtfully, letting it go. Matteo meant it, he was an adult now no one got to make this choice for him. If his dad fucked off again then that was Matteo’s mistake for trusting him. He didn’t think he would though.

“What about your mum?”

“No idea,” Matteo said.

He really didn’t know how they would react, they loved him he knew that, he didn’t think that would stop. But would they get it? He needed them to love him in the right way. Not as their son. He didn’t know if they could.

“Scared?”

“A little, they love me it should be ok,” Matteo said.

“If it’s not?”

“I have you, I have David, Hans, everyone,” Matteo said.

If it wasn’t ok Matteo knew he would be fine, would never be alone. Everything would be ok.

“Yeah you do,” Jonas insisted, “For the record I just want to say I think you fucking incredible,” he added, looking at Matteo with an awestruck expression on his face.

Matteo blushed a little. “What?”

“You are so amazing you know that? I'm so incredibly proud of you. A year and a half ago you were smoking yourself stupid and now look at you. You’re handling this so maturely, you’ve accepted yourself so well. And you fucking put me in my place when I get it wrong, that’s so brave,” he said, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder.

“Yeah well, it’s because of-”

“It’s not because of David it’s all you. You are brave. You are strong. You’re amazing.”

“I fucking love you,” Matteo said, grinning and shoving pasta into his mouth.

“Love you too bro,” Jonas said.

Matteo shuddered he couldn’t help it. Was too aware of it now to let it go. “No,” he whispered.

Jonas got his mistake. “Love you too Matteo,” he corrected.

“Thanks,” Matteo said.

“I’ll learn. Correct me yeah? Make me feel like shit when I get it wrong,” Jonas said.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“Is Luigi still ok?”

“Yeah Luigi is good

“Or we could shorten it like Lou?”

Matteo shrugged but he didn’t mind it. “Luigi’s fine though because it’s just a nickname isn’t it? You’re just picking on me for being Italian,” he accused, “I’ll let you know if it changes though,” he said.

“Good,” Jonas said, grinning at him.

David found them thirty minutes later still sitting on the kitchen floor, Matteo had made more pasta by that point, Jonas having complained he was still hungry. Matteo had also been hungry but he wasn’t going to let him know that. 

David gave them both a look of fake disapproval, then grabbed a fork and joined them.

“Still friends then?” David teased, pulling Matteo into his lap. Matteo huffed and pulled the pan away from Jonas. That had been David’s plan all along, to get access to the pasta. He leant over Matteo and helped himself.

“Yeah still friends,” Matteo murmured, leaning against him.

“Wait no. What? Did you really doubt that? Matteo?”

“Nah it was more like Matteo figured you weren’t going get it. And it would be harder for you to stay friends. Matteo deserves to be understood,” David said.

“Jonas doesn’t get it a whole lot but he’s trying,” Matteo said.

“I really am, I always would, Matteo losing you isn’t worth it,” Jonas insisted, looking terrified at the concept.

“Told you,” David teased.

“Shut up,” Matteo muttered.

“But you’re ok? You were so nervous this morning when I left you,” David checked.

“Yeah I’m ok,” Matteo said.

“We had a nice long chat and… I’m getting better you know? At listening to him,” Jonas said.

“Yeah?”

“It’s like for a long time you didn’t have much to say because you were quiet,” Jonas said.

David shook his head at that. “You just gotta wait a little longer, Matteo has a shit ton to say, never shuts up with me,” he said.

“Fuck off David,” Matteo muttered.

“And so rude too,” David teased, feeding him some pasta. Matteo didn’t even try to resist, despite his mean boyfriend telling lies.

“That’s always been the case,” Jonas said because apparently it was gang up on Matteo time.

Matteo made sure both of them could see how unimpressed he was by the direction the conversation was going.

“Yeah?” David asked.

“Yeah I can remember this one time we were kids, I got this new jacket and I thought it was really cool and he said I looked like a butler, he called me Jeeves all week!” 

Jonas was such a baby, never let these things go. “He did look like a butler though,” Matteo insisted.

“Did not!”

“Did too,” Matteo muttered.

“Did explaining it help?” David asked, putting a stop to their bickering.

“It made me more confused about some stuff, it’s way harder to explain it to Jonas,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, it would be,” David agreed.

“I’ve never had to think about it before,” Jonas admitted.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, it just means you’ve got to try harder when you’re learning someone else's perspective, but it’s the same with anything like not just the big topics. Like if Matteo told you he wanted… I don’t know to leave all this behind and become a sheep farmer-”

“What the fuck?”

“I see it,” Jonas agreed.

“Yeah but if he told you that, that he was just tired of society or something and wanted to disappear you wouldn’t get how he felt right? You’re pretty social.”

“Right?”

“Someone is always going to have a different perspective and you’ve got to try and understand it. You don’t have to get how it feels, you can’t sometimes but you have to respect it. When it’s something as fundamental as gender, or sexuality, disability or race, you have to accept Matteo’s voice and my voice over anyone who doesn't get it. You can’t let anyone speak for us you know? That’s what Matteo is worried about,” David said.

“Yeah no you’re right, you’re absolutely right. And it’s a lot of information but I’m going to understand it. A lot of it just makes sense, because I like to think I know you so well. It made sense when you told me you were gay. When you told me you were autistic pretty much our whole childhood clicked and everything became a lot clearer. What also became clearer was how much you’d learnt to hide it, to fit in, more than the gay thing even. And I hate that you did that, I’m not saying I made it easy for you but I hate that you felt you had to do it,” Jonas said.

“And with this?” Matteo asked quietly.

“This… this is a little harder I think but at the same time it makes just as much sense, you’re right you never said you were a boy when we were kids I just assumed, and I kept assuming and it meant I ignored things,” Jonas said.

“Like what?” David asked curiously. He was always fascinated with how Matteo was as a child, constantly hounding his mama for pictures and stories.

“Not the dress or the long hair more like…” Jonas trailed off, fidgeting nervously.

“It’s ok I probably won’t be offended,” Matteo promised.

“And I’ll refrain from punching you,” David assured him.

“Thanks,” Jonas said dryly, “ok this is really hard to put into words,” he began.

“Welcome to my whole life,” Matteo said darkly.

“Yeah but ok… you were always more gentle than the other guys. I know some of this is just stupid masculinity bullshit. Guys can be soft and gentle too but with you it was something different. The way you always floated around, you were boyish and girlish all in one, you know?”

Matteo nodded, Jonas had paid attention to him all these years, had noticed. He just didn’t have the language either

“Oh you get it or… you knew too,” he whispered.

“If you’d have corrected me when we were six or thirteen I would have gotten it, I know I would,” Jonas insisted.

“I believe you,” Matteo said. He really did. Jonas got it, or he was getting it. Jonas had seen him all this time.

“This changes nothing between us ok? I will change my perception of you but nothing else changes ok?”

Matteo sniffled.

“And you said he’d be too stupid to get this,” David said.

Jonas snorted. “David, Matteo can pull that whole mean thing to break the tension in an emotional moment. You can’t,” he said.

“Yeah I know, knew it as soon as I said it,” David said.

Matteo was ignoring them, trying to calm down, felt like crying his eyes out. In a good way.

“Only Matteo gets away with shit like that, always has,” Jonas said.

“Yeah, I have,” Matteo agreed, rubbing his eyes. He was calm enough, content in David’s arms. 

“You weren't ever a boy, you were always just a little shit,” Jonas said.

“Hey!”

“That’s your gender Matteo, little shit,” David said.

“Cheeky shit,” Jonas said.

“Actual gremlin,” David said, kissing his cheek.

“Ok these are all very funny,” Matteo huffed.

“Who are you Matteo?” David whispered.

“I’m me.”

“You are and you’re perfect exactly as you are are,” David said.

“Love you,” Matteo said softly.

“So gross,” Jonas muttered, snatching the pan back from Matteo.

“Yep that’s us super gross soulmates,” David said.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed, he was pretty distracted by David calling them soulmates though.

“So we’re going with that then, you’re not boyfriends you’re soulmates?” Jonas asked.

“I mean have you seen us?” David said.

“You are so smug sometimes,” Jonas said.

“I have every right to be I found my soulmate,” David countered.

Jonas just laughed fondly. Matteo felt at ease. Jonas got it. Not in the same way David or Tay or even Hans did. But Jonas got him, had known him his whole life, understood him well always. Matteo was so happy that he understood him, that he saw him and loved him just the same. And maybe his parents would be the same. There was only one way to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next religion 101 with Amira, Hanna being her gentle self and the boys being the boys.


	4. for whatever poor soul is coming next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a long time since he'd had any faith, lost it seeing it almost destroy his mother. That didn't mean he didn't respect it, he knew it came across like that last time they tried talking about this but that wasn't the case. He respected Amira and she was the only person he could talk to about this.

Before Matteo could tell his parents there was one more person he needed to speak to. Last time, when he’d been trying to figure out how to tell his mother he was gay he’d gone to Amira. It hadn’t gone well but he’d been keeping secrets. He’d tried to find out about religion without explaining why he was asking, and in trying to keep his secrets it had left him saying rude shit. He wouldn’t do that this time he was going to be open first and then ask her advice.

Plus, Amira always got him these days. He wasn’t afraid or nervous to tell her like he had been with Jonas, it didn’t even feel that weird. He kind of knew how it was going to go down. He would tell her, she’d probably say something sweet but act like she was under duress the entire time. Then say a lot of mean stuff to counteract the one nice thing she’d said. He’d see through it though. Meanness was her form of affection, with him at least.

“What’s up? And you’re late by the way,” she said as he approached the desk.

They were meeting in the library on campus. He hadn’t had a choice in the matter, had asked her if they could meet up and she’d told him she was very busy with her studies but she’d give him a twenty-minute window if he showed up there. Such bullshit. He placed a hot chocolate in a to-go cup down in front of her. She smiled and accepted it graciously.

“No I'm on time,” he argued futilely, sitting down opposite her.

“But really you should be early,” she said, raising an eyebrow. She was just trying to wind him up and he wasn’t going to rise to it.

“Oh my god the rules with you,” he muttered, but he couldn’t help but smile at her.

“You wanted my help,” she said, pushing her textbooks and notes to one side, “what subject?” she asked.

“No I just wanted to talk,” Matteo said quietly.

“Ok?”

“Is that ok?” he asked.

She nodded and closed her books, putting them away. “Is here ok? And there’s no twenty-minute limit that was a joke,” she said.

“Here’s ok,” he said, Amira somehow always managed to find the quietest spot in the library. The only other person was a guy in the corner looking at his laptop like he wanted to cry. Or throw it out of the nearest window. Matteo knew that feeling.

“Everything alright?” she asked.

Matteo nodded. “I want to talk about religion with you and I don’t want to upset you so can I explain a few things first? I’ll try to be clear but if I get confusing just tell me ok?”

“Ok,” she said, gesturing for him to continue.

“Do you remember last time? When I was rude?” Amira nodded. “Yeah, I thought you would. When I was all like ‘is Islam antigay?’ really I was just using you as a sounding board? You know what I was asking you right?”

“You were trying to ask me how I thought homosexuality tied in with Islam?” she guessed.

“Yes but also... for how I thought my mama would react. I was stressing which didn’t help, I was reading her texts and they were just bible verses about sin and transgression, I don’t think that’s what she meant or anything but… she’s ill, I’ve told you?”

“She suffers with her mental health?” Amira asked gently, giving his wrist a quick squeeze before pulling back to allow him to continue fidgeting. He was tapping his hands on the desk as a distraction but it was helping him keep the flow of the conversation.

“Yes and at first religion was her comfort in those dark times, she’s always been very Christian, but not like in an oppressive way, it was her light, church and god made her happy. Until it didn’t anymore, she kind of thought her illness was because she wasn’t Christian enough and she became paranoid and obsessed with it. But they are two separate things, I get that now. And now that she has a handle on her mental health she can take comfort in religion in a healthy way again,” Matteo explained.

“That’s really good Matteo, I’m so pleased for her,” Amira said.

“Yes but… ok so back then it was still bad and she was still in the obsessive religious state, and so yeah… I’m sorry…”

“What for?” she asked.

He hadn’t been nervous about any of this but suddenly he felt panicked. He knew exactly what it sounded like in his head and he desperately didn’t want to upset Amira. That wasn't what he meant but he didn’t know how to explain it.

“Amira I never thought you were like that,” he insisted.

“I know, Matteo-”

“I never meant to imply you were obsessed or anything. That was really shitty of me and not fair to you and it sounded like I didn’t know the difference between Christianity and Islam but I do I swear. It’s more of a faith thing, you have faith and you were the only person I knew who religion was important to. I wanted to sound you out on how that determined how you perceived certain issues. But I didn’t explain it like that, I basically accused you of being homophobic and that wasn’t fair. That wasn’t what I meant and-”

“Matteo,” she said sharply.

He flinched but she wasn’t angry, she was pulling him out of it. Only she could do that, even David didn’t get to be sharp with him. She just waited for him to look at her.

“I know and I forgive you,” she said far more gently. She didn’t look angry or upset at all, just worried about him. “I was very harsh with you and yeah you pissed me off but that must've hurt,” she said.

“S’ok-”

“No it isn’t, so I’m sorry too, we misunderstood each other yeah? Let’s not do that again,” she said.

“Ok. But the thing is I kind of want to do it again,” Matteo warned, at least this time she’d know what she was getting into.

“Accuse me of being homophobic?” she teased but again he didn’t bite.

“No. Come out to you and to my mama and basically I want to come out to you that’s a separate thing but I also want your advice as a person of faith how to come out to my mama again or how to be brave enough to do it and not let my fear of her faith get in the way.”

He just waited, Amira looked very confused, just stared at him like she wasn’t quite sure what was going on. “You’re coming out again?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Ok?”

“Can I?”

“Yes of course,” she said.

“Amira… I’m nonbinary,” he said quietly.

Amira looked a little shocked and she didn’t try to hide it but she smiled at him. “Oh,” she whispered.

Matteo waited nervously. “Is that ok?” he asked.

“Yes of course it is. Is it bad if I say unlike the gay thing I really wasn’t expecting it? But now that you’ve said it, it just makes sense for you,” she said.

Matteo nodded. “Yes, that’s how it feels for me too. But I've known for a long time, just not really understood it until recently,” he explained.

“I believe you, Matteo, you have an amazing understanding of yourself. It’s putting it into words you struggle with. I wish I understood myself half as much as you do,” she said.

“It does help me, I think I need to, like I’m constantly analysing things about myself to try and understand myself better, it helps me with my mental health and stuff too, as long as I don’t take it too far.”

“Yeah, that’s good then,” Amira said.

“Is it ok? In Islam or at least for us to stay friends?” Matteo asked.

“Nothing is stopping us from staying friends Matteo, you're one of my best friends, that’s not going to change,” she said.

“Shit!” he muttered, grabbing his phone.

“What?”

“Say it again,” he said, holding it out to record her.

He knew he would never hear those words again, had missed his chance.

“I’ll never say it again, in fact, I’ll go on record right now and say, I don’t even like you very much,” she said, grinning at him.

“Ugh you are the worst best friend ever,” he said, pocketing his phone.

“Ok so I understand the concept but I imagine it’s a very individual thing. Can you explain what it means for you? So I can understand it better,” she asked.

This was the reaction he needed, someone who understood that while something had a definition it meant something different to each person it applied to, and the only way of understanding that was to let that person define it for them. AMira was good like that. It was why she was the smartest person he knew.

“Yes thank you. Ok so you know you’re a girl yes?”

“Yes,” she agreed.

“You just know like instinctively? You’ve never questioned it?”

“No I haven't,” she said

“No, and that’s fine it’s just to help me explain,” Matteo assured her.

“Ok.”

“I’ve never felt like that, you know, that certainty you have? There has never been this instinctive feeling of I'm a boy. In fact, what I’ve had instead was this instinctive feeling that that just wasn’t right for me. But there wasn’t really another option so I think I only accepted it because people told me I was, it was never something that I felt in myself,” he explained.

She looked at him, assessing him but he didn’t feel scrutinised.

“But you’re not a woman either?” she asked, “sorry… I… was that a bad thing to ask?”

“No, I don’t think so? I’ve opened up this conversation, this is what we’re discussing right now,” he said. “I’m not a woman, I would say if you’re trying to define it in your terms I’m a little bit closer to a man than a woman. But only a little bit really. And to be honest neither of those are actually true. I’m nonbinary and neither of those apply to me.”

“Ok,” she said.

“But I'm not going to change how I look or dress or anything,” he said, when she didn’t say anything else. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to reassure her or himself, her silence made him nervous.

“I mean you barely dress human anyway,” she teased.

“Fuck off,” Matteo muttered.

“See you dress like an old fisherman one day then total partyboy the next,” she continued.

Matteo rolled his eyes. He had never dressed like a partyboy in his life. Fisherman maybe, if she was talking about the sweaters.

“Sorry was that ok?” Amira asked.

“Yeah I haven’t told you what’s ok or not yet,” he said.

“Ok,” she said.

“I don’t really want to be called a boy or man anything like that anymore. Like partyboy doesn’t fit in either context boy or party,” Matteo told her.

“So boyfriend is out of the picture I guess?”

“Exactly I'm just Matteo, I don’t really even want pronouns because I don’t feel like they apply, but then I’m still working that out. There might be some that do fit. I know that they’re needed sometimes but if you could call me Matteo more for now I'd like that. And nothing’s set in stone, I’m figuring this out but I didn’t want to wait to tell you, you know?”

“Ok Matteo,” Amira said.

“So is it ok? Sorry.” He knew he was pushing but she hadn’t given her opinion yet. It was good that she accepted him, but he needed to know what she thought about it too.

“It’s ok. Are you asking if it’s ok with my faith or your mother’s?” Amira asked, no trace of anger in her voice.

“I think… I’m asking you if I should tell her,” he said.

“Ok, you know she’s not going to reject you right? She already knows David is trans, so she must have looked into this stuff now, right?”

“This is different. I'm her child, what if she can’t adjust? What if she doesn't love me as much, Amira I don’t think she’ll reject me but what if she can’t understand it? What if she can only love me as Matteo her son when that's not who I am?” he buried his face in his hands and tried to calm down but he couldn’t help it, the tears were falling now. He heard Amira getting up from the table and then she was in front of him.

“Oh Matteo you love her very much,” she said, sitting down beside him.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“She’ll never stop, ok? Have you talked to David about this?” she asked.

“No… a bit… it’s hard because of his parents you know?”

“True. But I have, you know that back when he came out to her she told him she was willing to change churches for him?” Amira asked.

“Oh yeah, he did tell me that,” Matteo said. He’d asked her about it and she’d said she wouldn’t listen to anyone preach hate about the two of them.

“Well, she would be willing to move heaven and earth for you. She loves you exactly as you are, she just doesn’t know who that is yet. But that love for you? That is part of her faith, to her you are a gift from God, and you’re right exactly as you are,” Amira said.

Matteo couldn’t help it, the tears started falling again, he wasn’t sure they’d stopped. “Thank you,” he whispered

“No problem,” she said gently. “Now for Islam and faith in general. I've told you before and I’ll tell you again, religion cannot and should not ever be used to discriminate against someone. I believe we have been created by Allah. Your mother and her church believe you and I have been created by God. Either way, he created us, we all reflections of what Allah intended us to be and _no one_ has a right to say what that intention was. If you are not a boy then Allah didn’t create you a boy, he created you nonbinary, and that is how it was always supposed to be,” she said with such conviction he didn’t think anyone would ever be able to argue with her.

It was such a comfort to hear that. He may not have had much faith left but it had been a big part of his childhood and the idea of being rejected from that, cast out from the church had loomed over him in his teenage years. He could’ve done with this conversation five years ago.

“Thank you, thank you so much,” Matteo said.

“And you can tell that to your mum and if anyone in her church tries to say anything that argument stands from a Christian view too. We don’t get to judge how our Gods made others, we don’t get to judge at all,” Amira said.

“I just want her to love me as me,” Matteo said.

“She will I promise she will, how could she not? So who are you, Matteo?”

“I’m Matteo, I'm nonbinary and I’m working out my pronouns, I'm gay and demisexual, and I’m autistic. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and understands me better than anyone I've ever met. I don’t see myself as male and I never have, but society has perceived me as such and because of this I've bowed to their conventions. But actually I quite like wearing makeup and nail polish and soft pastel colours and I always have. But that doesn’t make me a girl either. And I don’t have to do any of that to be nonbinary. I’m nonbinary because that’s who I am not because of how I look, that other stuff is just extra. I am my mother’s child and I’m going to tell her all that,” he said.

“Sounds pretty perfect to me,” Amira said.

“Holy shit,” Matteo whispered.

“Should’ve recorded that,” she said, laughing and sitting back in her chair.

“Damnit!” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, “yeah it stopped recording.”

“Sucks,” Amira said.

“Thank you for helping me with all that though, you’re the only person I know who would get it I think,” he said.

“I do get it, from a completely different perspective but I do hear what you’re saying. I’m so glad you’ve figured this out about yourself, and your mum will get it, maybe not right away but she’ll get you,” Amira promised.

“Yeah she will, she will,” Matteo agreed.

“This is a good thing,” she assured him, “have you told anyone else, apart from David?”

“I told David and Tay together a couple of weeks ago when I realised. Then Hans and Jonas, that was a bit of a chore but he started to get it. Oh, Hans was great though, gave me a makeover,” Matteo told her.

That got her attention, her eyes lit up in excitement. “Oh really?”

“Yeah hold on look.” He grabbed his phone and showed her the pictures David had taken when they’d gotten back to the apartment.

Amira stared wide-eyed at the screen. Silent for several long moments, Matteo just squirmed while he waited.

“Wow I… Matteo... you look so different, it’s you but you’re so different here,” she whispered.

“Good or…”

She realised he was stressing and instantly smiled warmly at him. “Yeah good, it really suits you,” she assured him.

Matteo relaxed. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

She held out her hand and Matteo handed over the phone. She took it and put the phone down on the table and swiped through.

“David take these? Have a little photoshoot did we?”

Matteo blushed. He’d asked David to take a couple of photos for him when they got back but David had other ideas. Had made him wait while he got out all his camera stuff, lighting the room ridiculously bright and making Matteo stand all over the place while he shot him with his fancy camera. “I only wanted one photo before I washed it all off,” he mumbled.

“You voluntarily washed your own face?” Amira teased because she was just rude.

“Fuck off… but actually I didn’t in the end, I liked it and I wanted to keep it on and then I got… distracted so…” he trailed off, blushing even more.

Amira just raised an eyebrow. “So?”

“I left it on until the next day,” he admitted.

“That’s really bad for your face,” she said, tutting.

“I know Hans went mad but… I went out, just to the bakery but I went to get some bread for breakfast it was kinda nice, I felt different, it was quiet out, not many people or anything,” he said.

“Wasn’t it all smudgy, didn’t it feel gross?”

“I thought it would but it didn’t really, Hans used really fancy stuff, it really didn’t feel like I had anything on. And he uses like industrial fixing stuff. I mean he has to with what he gets up to,” Matteo said, “it didn’t go smudgy but it looked softer.”

“Did people stare?”

“A bit but not in a bad way just kinda like ‘huh?’ The guy at the bakery looked so confused but he said I looked really nice,” Matteo said, blushing again. He’d kind of liked it, people looking at him, it would be nice on days when he felt particularly invisible to do that. Go out and be seen.

“Oh well if things don’t work out with David,” Amira said, winking at him.

“He’s in his fifties,” Matteo said, laughing.

“Who’s in their fifties?” Hanna asked, approaching their table and sitting down next to him.

“Matteo’s new boyfriend,” Amira said wickedly.

“Fuck off Amira,” Matteo said.

“Matteo is that you?” Hanna asked, staring at the phone which was still on the desk.

“Oh er…” He snatched it back and locked the screen, watching Hanna nervously.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to look,” Hanna said, she didn’t look upset or freaked out, he thought she might be worried if anything.

“Er… it’s me but... um…”

“You ok Matteo. I’m interrupting? I can go,” she offered, always able to tell when he was uncomfortable. He appreciated that, she was so sweet but he didn’t want that, didn’t want her to have to leave. He just hadn’t expected to see her yet.

“Did Jonas tell you?” he asked.

“Tell me what? What you talked about the other day? No. But I assume you’re having some kind of elicit affair,” she said.

Matteo just stared, what the hell was she talking about?

“Damn Matteo you get around these days huh?” Amira said.

He gave her a scowl then turned to Hanna. “What?”

“Jonas came over and he was raving about you all night. How much he loved you, how you were the best, I just assumed he was leaving me for you,” Hanna joked.

He was glad they could make jokes like that now, glad they’d healed and moved past all that stuff from first year. It had been him that had held on to it, Hanna had forgiven him long ago. He was able to believe that now.

“No he’s not, the dumbass, he wishes,” Matteo said, grinning to himself.

“Damn Matteo you got bakers chasing you-”

“He said I looked nice that was all. I think he saw I was nervous and was trying to reassure me,” Matteo explained.

It was just the bakery on the corner, three minutes from their flat. He went there most mornings on his way to work or uni so Karl, the baker, kind of knew him by now. Quiet man, never said much but always smiled warmly whenever he and David were in there, never commented on the fact that they were holding hands. It was David that sometimes worried about that. Karl had commented once or twice on how miserable Matteo sometimes looked when he came in alone. Asked him if he was pining that sort of thing. He was harmless.

So he hadn't thought twice about popping down there to get them some breakfast. Karl had stared a little longer than usual but his smile was just as warm and as he’d been leaving he told him he looked nice. That was it. Amira was so annoying sometimes.

“Ok ok so makeup’s a thing for you now?” Hanna asked, trying to catch up.

“Not really. I don’t know, it was special. On special days I’ll wear it,” Matteo said.

“Could I see the picture?” Hanna asked.

Matteo nodded and took out his phone, handing it to her.

“Wow,” she breathed. “Wow. Matteo you are so pretty you know that right?”

“Um…”

“Now you’re getting all the ladies too,” Amira joked.

He rolled his eyes.

“I’m not joking, Matteo you are beautiful,” Hanna said.

Matteo groaned and buried his head in his hands. He felt like his face was going to burn off.

“Sorry is that not ok?” Hanna asked gently.

“No it is... just…”

“You’ve gone all red,” Hanna said, pinching his cheek, making his face even hotter.

“Yeah it’s embarrassing,” he muttered.

“To be Berlin’s next top model? I imagine it would be,” Amira joked.

“Don’t tease him, he looks good,” Hanna argued.

“Yeah I guess he does,” Amira said quietly, “if you like that sort of thing.”

“You always were pretty,” Hanna mused.

“Yeah?”

Matteo wondered if she would be surprised when he told her. Which he was going to, he decide right then and there.

“Yeah I remember when we met, it was you, Leonie and Jonas I think and I remember thinking how cute you were,” she said.

“Me?” he exclaimed.

“Yeah you dummy,” Hanna said.

“Not Jonas?”

“I thought Jonas was sexy,” Hanna said.

“Ouch Matteo, you didn’t make sexy,” Amira said.

“Neither did Jonas, we were too young to be sexy,” Matteo argued.

“But seriously you were just… I don’t even know how to describe it, you were so…”

“I’m not a boy,” Matteo whispered.

“Huh?”

“I’m not… I’m nonbinary. I’m not a guy. I never was, I’m working it out and it’s really complicated but… I’m not a guy,” he said.

“Ok,” Hanna said.

“Ok?”

“Do you want me to call you something else?”

“No,” Matteo mumbled.

“Do you want a hug?” she asked gently.

That was what he wanted more than anything, because that what they did when one of them was struggling. He never wanted that to change. “Yes please,” he whispered.

She stood up wrapped him up in her arms and held him tight. “It makes sense,” she said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she said, pulling back to look at him, stroking his hair from his face and smiling.

They sat back down then. “So this is why Jonas is in love with you all of a sudden?”

“No, we just had a long talk, I think he was scared that he was gonna fuck up, but we’re ok,” Matteo said.

“He’d be lost without you,” Hanna said kindly, “so er… what did I interrupt?”

“We were working out how to tell my mama you know because of her and god,” Matteo said.

“She’ll get it, so you’re her… child?”

Matteo nodded. Hanna was quick on this he thought. But then even with things she wasn’t knowledgeable on she got people easily, understood them. Empathised and cared so much. She’d known him a long time and this seemed to make sense to her. He wasn’t going to argue that, it just made sense to him too.

“Yes so you’re her child, she will get this and she will get you, I know she will. If she needs time, give her time but she’ll get it, she loves you Matteo, that will never change,” Hanna promised.

“Yeah,” Matteo whispered, “yeah she does.”

He looked between Amira and Hanna, both girls were smiling at him. His mama loved him and it would be ok. Not necessarily easy, there may be tears but in the end it would be ok.

“Your papa too?” Hanna asked.

“Yeah I think so, I’m going to tell them both together,” he told them.

“Now that they’re all loved up again?” Amira teased.

“Don’t, it’s bad enough when David does it, don’t you start,” Matteo muttered.

“Have you told anyone else?” Hanna asked.

“Tay, Hans, and Jonas,” he said.

“Took you half a day with Jonas?”

“I know, he’s very slow,” Matteo said, Amira sniggered and he couldn’t help laugh too.

“Yes well, let’s not start on my boyfriend huh? But Matteo I don’t a hundred percent get this but you said you’re still working it out?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Then please just keep talking to me then yeah? Let me be a part of your journey,” she asked.

She was so perfect, ready to learn along with him as he figured it out. That was just what he needed from her.

“Thanks Hanna,” he whispered. “Oh and David knows obviously, and I’m not his boyfriend anymore, I’m just his Matteo,” he told her.

“Cute, see this is why you're the cutest,” Hanna said.

Matteo blushed again.

“This is why I love you Hanna, everyone else teases me,” he said.

“Ah you’re too sweet to tease,” Hanna said.

He gave Amira a pointed look but she didn’t even blink. She was never going to stop teasing him. And he didn’t want her to, they had a very different dynamic to him and Hanna.

“You should post this picture Matteo,” Hanna said.

“No,” he muttered.

“But you look so good,” she said.

He looked at Amira who very begrudgingly nodded. “You do look good, it would be a shame not to show everyone,” she said.

“But I look silly,” Matteo said.

“Silly?” Amira asked.

“Like I’m you know posing,” Matteo said.

He looked good in the pictures but it didn't look like him, he didn’t show off like this. It felt weird.

“You are posing, David had you pose,” Amira said.

“Did you do a whole shoot?” Hanna asked, waiting before she started to swipe through.

“Yeah took hundreds, he only sent me like twenty, he has way more,” Matteo told her.

“Are there nudes?” Hanna asked, pausing her swiping.

“No there are not, Jesus Christ,” he said hotly, “you really think I’d let you through my phone if there was anything incriminating on there?”

“Isn’t that how she found out you were gay?” Amira asked, smirking at him.

“Ok yeah I slipped up there, but I’ve learnt my lesson,” he said.

“Ah this one,” Hanna said, turning the phone to him, all three of them looked down at it.

“I took this,” he said. It was a selfie of him and David that he’d taken on the walk back. It was only slightly blurry, him grinning at the camera, David holding him close, kissing his cheek. Under the streetlight, his make up glittered and sparkled just right. He liked that one. Less posey more him. Fun and silly.

“Ok I’m gonna post this one,” he said, getting it ready.

“Do you know what you’re going to caption it?” Amira asked.

“Yeah I’ve got it,” he said. “Posted.”

He put it back down for them to read.

_He’s my boyfriend but I’m not his. #nonbinary #soulmates #imhisperson #andheismine_

“Oh my god I love it,” Hanna said.

“Just wait,” Amira mused.

“Your parents on insta?” Hanna asked.

“No they aren’t but I’ll show them after I tell them,” Matteo said.

“Nice,” Amira said.

“I’m proud of you Matteo,” Hanna said.

“Everyone’s proud of me,” Matteo mumbled.

“It’s a big deal though, you should be proud,” Amira insisted.

“I kinda am,” he admitted, “like look how much has changed for me in a year and a half. If I’d realised this back then I would’ve hurt myself trying to hide it just like I did everything else but now… I kinda want to tell everyone because this is something so fundamental about me. They need to know, they can’t see me properly unless they know and I want to be seen, I want to be seen as me.”

Hanna just beamed. “See proud of you,” she said.

His phone buzzed and he braced himself. He had an idea of who it would be.

Matteo picked it up and grinned. “I have like ten messages from the boys already,” he said. “Carlos and Abdi are asking if me and David broke up,” he added.

Hanna laughed. “They’re not that bright are they?”

“No but they mean so well,” he said.

_**ok.cool** _

Abdi: Have you seen Luigi’s insta!??!?!?

_Carlos: no why?_

_Abdi: him and david have broken up_ 😱💔

_Carlos: NO_

_Carlos: NO NO NO_

_Abdi: This isn’t good_

_Carlos: Luigi what’s going on?_

_David: “Abdi: him and david have broken up_ 😱💔 _”_

_We have? News to me_

_Jonas: Yeah what the fuck are you on about_

_Abdi: Luigi broke up with david on insta_ 😭😭😭

_Carlos: How could you luigi?_

_David: yeah how could you? I’m brokenhearted_

_Matteo: Fuck off David_

_Matteo: We haven't broken up wth?_

_Abdi: You said you’re not his boyfriend anymore_

_Matteo: I’m not_

_Carlos: Well??_

_Abdi: Well???_

_Carlos: Luigi???_

He frowned down at his phone nervously. He didn’t really think he would be coming out to everyone today, had only planned on telling Amira. It took a lot, each time he did it. But then the instagram post should’ve made it obvious to everyone else. If only his friends could read.

“All ok?” Amira asked.

“I want to tell them,” he said.

“Then tell them,” Hanna said.

“Yeah, they’re dummies but they love you,” Amira said.

That was true, and they were only asking because they were worried. He knew they would be ok. They would be absolutely dumb but they would be ok with him.

_**ok.cool** _

Matteo: I’m not his boyfriend but he’s mine, I’m not anyone’s boyfriend because I’m not a boy

_Matteo: Because I’m nonbinary_

_Carlos: Oh_

_Abdi: Actually yeah you did tag that in the photo_

_Matteo: Yeah that was the point_

_Carlos: Oh you’re not a guy_

_Matteo: No but like I’m still kind of one of you, I’m still your friend?_

_Carlos: You absolutely are that’ll never change Luigi_

_Carlos: Can we call you Luigi?_

_Matteo: Yes and Matteo that’s fine_

_Abdi: You’re not a boy so we say you’re what?_

_Matteo: Just me_

_Matteo: I’m working on it but like in a few days I’m going to tell my mum I’m her child but not her son, and I’m David’s soulmate but not his boyfriend does that make sense?_

_Carlos: You’re not a girl?_

_Matteo: No_

_Carlos: In the photo you’re wearing makeup_

_Abdi: Boys can wear makeup too_

_Carlos: But he’s not a boy_

_Abdi: Oh yeah_

_Abdi: Matteo?_

_Matteo: I’m not a boy, I’m not a girl, I’m kinda somewhere in between in a way but it’s more complicated than that_

_Abdi: Ok?_

Matteo started typing then stopped and erased it. He tried again but he couldn’t find the words. It was so tricky. He thought this would be easier, he found it easier to message than speak in person. This way he could think but the risk there was that he’d end up overthinking instead.

“They being ok?” Amira asked.

“Yeah not even that dumb either,” he told her.

“Just trying to figure it out?” Hanna asked.

“It’s like trying to explain it to five-year-olds,” Matteo told them.

“In theory that should make it easier,” Amira said. “They should just accept whatever you tell them.”

“Good point.”

_**ok.cool** _

Abdi: Tell us

_Carlos: Yeah we love you no matter what_

_Matteo: I’m not either of those, I’m something that’s a little like a boy but not really, something else I just haven’t quite worked out what yet but nonbinary fits because I’m neither of the binaries so that’s me_

_Carlos: Ok_

_Matteo: Is it cool?_

_Abdi: It’s cool_

_Carlos: Yeah we love you Matteo_

Matteo just shook his head. He loved them too, they were the greatest friends he could have ever asked for. Dumb and easily distracted but so well-meaning always. Loved him no matter what.

“All good?”

“All good. They’re confused but ok with it all,” Matteo said.

“See? Everyone loves you,” Hanna said.

“I don’t,” Amira said.

“Amira said I was her best friend earlier,” Matteo countered, smirking at her.

“No I didn’t,” she argued.

“She did!”

“I believe you Matteo, she’s not always the tough cookie she pretends to be,” Hanna said.

“Plus she’s in love, that makes her all soft,” Matteo said, ducking when she reached out to hit him.

He pushed his chair back and held out his hands so she couldn’t get him.

“It absolutely does not,” Amira insisted.

“Yeah it does, she said I was perfect too,” Matteo said.

“Amira, calm down yeah? If you’re not careful, everyone will know,” Hanna warned.

Amira glared at Matteo but he didn’t even flinch, she didn’t scare him. He was her best friend after all.

“Going ok, you and Mohammed?” he asked, he was allowed to ask this stuff now, they talked about it quite a bit. Even though she pretended to hate it the entire time, they were conversations she started. _She_ wanted to talk about it.

“Of course, I am an excellent girlfriend,” Amira said.

“I don’t doubt that,” Matteo said.

She hesitated then smiled. “I was worried you know, about my mum and dad liking him but parents can be surprising remember that,” she said.

“They love him don’t they?” Hanna asked.

“Too much! It’s so annoying he cooks with my mum, hangs out with my brothers, even gets on with my dad, it’s so embarrassing,” she insisted.

“You love it,” Matteo said.

“I do,” Amira admitted quietly.

“He’s very charming your Mohammed,” Hanna said.

“He is, isn't he? You two just make sense,” Matteo said.

“We should do double dates but like all of us,” Hanna suggested.

“No thanks,” Matteo said, there was no way he was doing that. Although he did like to cook. Maybe one day they could do a dinner party. He’d quite like that. He wouldn’t mind if it was at his apartment. It was always fun having friends over. And they didn’t always have to have parties.

“Yeah if we did couples, we’d have to invite Kiki and Carlos,” Amira reminded her.

“Oh er… that’s true,” Hanna said, reluctantly, her enthusiasm waning immediately.

“Hanna!” Matteo exclaimed, knowing exactly why she was reluctant.

“She’d take over you know, make it too much,” Hanna said.

Kiki was lovely but she was a lot, they would want a simple dinner and they’d end up at a couples retreat or something.

Amira just laughed, they all loved Kiki but they knew what she was like.

“It’ll be ok when I tell her,” Matteo said, bringing the conversation back to his mother. Just wanting a little bit more reassurance.

“It will,” Hanna said.

“It really will,” Amira assured him.

He trusted them. The thought of telling his mama made him exceptionally nervous but he wanted to tell her. He needed her to know. His papa too. He needed them to know and he was ready to tell them. He didn’t know how it would go, couldn’t be certain it would go well but he couldn’t lie to them and he would be ok no matter what. Everyone had responded positively so far and his parents loved him more than anyone else. Surely that counted for something? There was only one way to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up it's time to tell the parents, featuring baby pics and lots of wonderful talk of Matteo's childhood.


	5. no better version of me i could pretend to be tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was hard, the first time coming out to his mama. It wasn't any easier this time around, he was just as nervous, just as scared. Amira had said parents could be surprising sometimes and this response was certainly unexpected. Wonderfully unexpected. All he wanted was for them to understand him, and they did. They'd understood him all this time in their own way, just as confused as he'd always been but they accepted it all the same.

There were only left two people to tell. His parents, which was definitely the most daunting. Deep down he knew they wouldn’t reject him, wouldn’t send him away. He knew they wouldn’t be anything like David’s parents, or some of his friends from the society, casting their children aside the moment they didn’t fit their ideals. They loved him but he wanted them to understand him, love the real him. And that was a big thing. 

They may not get it right away but he trusted them, they would love him enough to try. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared.

He would be telling them both together, at family dinner night. They had one every couple of weeks. His papa was already living back home, had been since he got back from Rome. He’d only gone over to apologise to his mama in person, something he’d done over the phone long ago, and never really left. Not that he wanted to go anywhere. His mama hadn’t let him, said she’d finally gotten him back she wasn’t letting him go again. As soon as she was better, in control and doing well again she’d been on the phone at him demanding he come home. That he wasn’t protecting anyone staying away like that. She understood though, his demons needed work. 

Matteo wasn’t really surprised. They never stopped loving each other, they were just in a terrible place the first time around. She as ill, he was traumatised, back then they never had a chance. They'd run away tried to settle down and start a family without addressing their pasts. Circumstances were against them. Now things were better, now they were doing better they were trying again.

It was kinda gross thinking about it. Especially when David kept making jokes about them making up for lost time. But they were happy, Matteo could see that much. They loved each other a lot and they’d missed each other terribly. While his mama falling apart over his papa leaving wasn’t healthy it was a reflection on how much they needed each other. They'd always loved each other, it just got overshadowed by life for a while. And the most important thing was neither of them were lonely anymore. That was all he wanted for them.

He was currently pacing the front garden, David was standing by the door watching him as he argued with himself, tried to talk himself out of it. He was just waiting patiently not pushing him just quietly being there to keep him calm.

“Maybe this is a bad idea,” Matteo said. Again.

“Why?”

“Actually thinking about it, it’s pretty insensitive to you,” Matteo said, rushing up to David he was grasping at straws now but he had been worried about it too.

“In what way?” David asked, his face equal parts concerned and amused.

“You know because of _your_ parents,” Matteo said.

“This will be nothing like that,” David said.

“No, I guess… but it’s not fair, if it goes well it’s not fair,” Matteo said.

“Oh Matteo,” David said gently, reaching out and brushing his hair out of his face. “Your happiness will outweigh any of that. I would never begrudge you your relationship with your parents, you deserve it, Matteo,” David assured him.

Matteo just stepped forward and leant against him until he huffed and shoved him away. “So do you,” he murmured.

“I do,” David agreed.

“I’m scared,” Matteo finally admitted. “I’m really scared.”

“I know,” David said, so gently, reaching out and taking his hand. 

He was so patient, had been standing out here with him for fifteen minutes now, letting him pace and ramble, only stepping in when he got worked up, calming him down then letting him continue to pace.

“Maybe I should just text them,” Matteo suggested.

“Or maybe you should ring the bell,” David countered.

“Or maybe-”

The door opened, making him jump and effectively ending the argument. His papa stood in the doorway grinning at both of them, excited as always to see them. He was so different now to how Matteo remembered him. His mother was always the louder of the two when he was little, the one who told him off, played loud, boisterous games with him when he was in that sort of mood. Now after everything she’d been through, she was quieter more reserved but still just as loving as he always remembered.

His papa had always been a quiet, retiring man, seemed far older than he was. Would sit quietly and listen to Matteo for hours, truly paying attention to him. But he was always, always quiet. Timid almost. Nervous about everything. Worried about doing the wrong thing, to the point where he ended up paralysed by it. Now Matteo knew about his past it all made sense. He let it take over his life until he was so scared of hurting them he stayed away and hurt them anyway. Matteo knew he’d picked up a lot of those habits but he was working on it.

Now though, it was like all that weight, the trauma he’d being carrying had lifted. It hadn’t gone away but his papa finally realised he was in control. He had a handle on it and he didn’t need to let it take over his life. It had taken years but he was finally in a place where he could be happy. And his happy papa was a lot louder, a lot more excitable, just as fun as Mattoe always remembered him, but in a much more present way.

“Hey papa,” Matteo said, shuffling awkwardly where he stood. David just waited quietly beside him. As much as he teased and encouraged him, Matteo knew if he needed to go, they could go.

“Matteo, forget your key?”

“No, we were just talking. Papa, I need to tell you something before dinner because if you don’t like it I have to leave and I'm nervous and my stomach hurts so I can’t eat until I tell you.” 

He wanted to run, he wanted out. He didn’t want this anymore. 

But his papa just stepped out onto the front step and wrapped him up in a hug. Held him tight just like he was a small child again. Protecting him from the world. Matteo relaxed instantly, he felt safe in his arms just like always. He’d missed this man so much, was so glad he was finally back. Right now with his father holding him tight he didn’t care about everything that had gone down, didn’t care that he’d left. He was back and he was sorry and he loved him so much. He needed him and he was back. 

“Take a breath, Matteo,” he whispered, squeezing him tight.

Matteo did. Took one breath then another. It would be ok. It would be ok.

“You better come in,” his papa said seriously. Not angry, not upset, just worried. “Hello David,” he said, reaching out giving his shoulder a squeeze. Always a tactile man his papa, Matteo had had a childhood filled with hugs and kisses. When it had all stopped no wonder he’d been left bereft.

“Hi Berto,” David said, he was a little awkward around his papa, a little shy for some reason but they got on well enough. It was better now then when they were in Italy, David tripping over himself to make a good impression on his father. Like he even had to try, Matteo loved him, that was all his papa cared about. His papa absolutely loved David, as he should.

They all went through to the living room, his papa still had a hold of Matteo like he thought he was about to flee. Which he was still about halfway to doing.

As soon as they walked in there his mama instantly knew something was wrong, jumping up from the sofa and rushing up to him. Pulling him from his papa and into her arms but he was getting too stressed. He extricated himself and started to pace the room instead.

“Let’s sit down Julia,” his papa said.

“Matteo?”

“Come sit,” his papa said gently.

His parents went to sit on the sofa, David to the chair. Matteo just paced up and down trying not to get wound up. He wanted a hug, he wanted to let his mama hug him but he couldn’t right now. He was too scared. What if that was his last hug? He was starting to get dizzy, he was starting to drift and he couldn’t keep up.

“Matteo? Darling, what’s wrong?” 

“Matteo has something to tell us and it’s very important, we’re going to listen to him, ok Matteo? We’re listening.”

“Matteo come and sit down,” his mama said.

“No I have to tell you right now,” he said.

“Ok?”

“Matteo come here, please come sit with me,” his mama insisted.

“I can’t…” He turned to David who hadn’t spoken yet. “David I can’t…” His legs were shaking, he was going to be sick he was sure of it.

David got up and came to stand behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and hooking his chin over his shoulder, turning him to face his worried parents and holding him in place. Tight enough to keep him calm, loose enough that he could still run.

“It’s going to be ok,” he whispered, kissing his cheek. “Do you want to go? Come back another time?”

“I don’t know…”

“Can you wait?” David asked his parents.

“Matteo-”

“We can wait,” his papa said, taking his mama’s hand, he whispered something to her and she nodded.

“What do you want?”

Matteo closed his eyes, let David hold him, sway him where they stood. Matteo relaxed into him and David took his weight just held him until the shaking in his legs stopped. 

He wanted to tell them. He wanted them to know. He couldn’t wait any longer.

“Mama, papa? I have to tell you something,” he said finally, opening his eyes again. David gave him one last squeeze and stepped back. He stayed close by but it was important for him to do this himself.

“No matter what it is we love you, Matteo,” his papa said.

“You might not,” Matteo warned.

“I promise you we will,” his mama said.

Matteo closed his eyes for a second, he could do this he just needed to take his time. He had time, everyone was waiting, without pressure on him. After a minute, he looked at David. David gave him a smile then turned to his parents.

“Matteo has something to tell you about himself, could you ask him now?” David said.

“Come sit with us Matteo, come talk to us,” his mama said again. 

This time he did as she asked, went to sit between them, all three of them pressed close together. David went back to the chair.

“What’s going on with you darling?”

“Lately… but not… for a long time… there’s just… I don’t know…”

“Yes you do, I can see you know something, but Matteo I promise you, whatever it is, you never have to be scared of us,” his papa said.

“I… I’m not a… mama, papa, I’m not a boy,” he whispered finally. 

It was out there now, he couldn’t take it back. He daredn’t look at either of them, just stared at his shaking hands.

The room was silent and Matteo tried to stay calm. “I’m not a boy,” he repeated, voice trembling.

He really needed them to say something, he knew he couldn’t talk, often took a long time to respond but he really needed them to say something right now.

His mama was silent so he looked to his papa. “Come here,” he said gently, pulling him close. “Can you tell me what you mean?” he asked.

“I'm not a boy,” he whispered again.

“You’re not a boy,” his papa repeated, “can you explain?”

He glanced at his mama who gave him a weak but encouraging smile. “Like… I’m not a girl either, I'm not… I'm nonbinary, do you know what that means?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s a kind of transgender isn’t it?”

He knew they’d researched all of this, his mama had for David. And she hadn’t told his papa either, had asked David what she was supposed to do now that he’d moved back in. Said it hadn’t come up and asked was she supposed to keep it secret?

But David loved his papa hadn’t wanted to, after everything he’d heard. And as shy as he was the whole time they were in Italy, he loved the man and wanted him to know him. He was going to be a permanent part of his life just like mama. They were his family now, and in gaining them he had to tell him that his first family weren’t good, and why that was, why it was so much harder with them than the family he’d found.

His papa was a researcher just like him, had consumed all the information he could get his hands on the moment David had told him. Wanted to understand him and what he’d been through, knew the best way was to just ask him but didn’t want to come across as ignorant or uninformed. But he loved David, that never changed.

So Matteo had known that they’d both at least be aware of the concept. He just didn’t know to what extent.

“Yeah sometimes,” Matteo mumbled, they were trying he’d give them that. Maybe they stumbled over their words but they tried.

“For you? What does it mean for you, Matteo?”

They tried and they waited and they let him explain. That was all he could ask for. 

Suddenly he knew no matter how long it took, no matter how much he struggled with the words, they would get this. No matter how hard this was, they would get this because the loved him.

“I’ve felt like this a long time I think. I’m still working it all out but… I’m sorry papa but I’m not your son,” he said.

His papa just stroked his hair. “Ok Matteo, can I still call you Matteo?”

“Yeah, is it ok? I’m still your Matteo, I’m just not your son. Are you upset with me?”

“Not at all,” his mama assured him, reaching out and taking his hand.

“And you’re not mad?”

“Never,” his papa said.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking,” Matteo said, “are you surprised? You’re not saying anything, mama you’re upset with me,” he said.

“Matteo?” his mama asked, “can you turn and look at me?”

He did slowly and reluctantly.

She reached out and cupped his face gently. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry you’re so distressed about this, I’m sorry you were scared to tell me, I’m sorry we didn’t listen to you when you were young, darling, you’ve told us before I think. You didn’t have the words but you knew and you told us the very best you could and we didn’t get it,” she said.

That didn’t sound right, he was only just figuring this out. He’d never told anyone before David and Tay. He’d buried this deep and ignored it. He never would’ve told them about this.

“I… er… I have?”

“A few times actually,” she said, looking to his papa to explain.

“The first time _I_ remember, you were very young maybe three or four. We were in Italy with your cousins. You didn’t do preschool, mama stayed home with you, you didn’t really know how to be around other children. They were fine, they loved you a lot but do you remember they teased you a bit because your hair was long? Because you got stressed over it being cut, having it touched. They didn’t mean anything by it, it was just kid stuff,” his papa said.

Matteo nodded vaguely remembering it. He thought about it now the first few years of his life had been pretty sheltered, his cousins the first kids he’d ever really hung out with.

“You couldn’t understand it, you couldn’t understand why long hair meant anything about you, why they said you looked like a girl. Or I think it was because you couldn’t understand why that was something to tease about. I remember it being the hardest thing to explain to you because you kept saying it made no sense and you were right and then I said to you just that, I said you’re right, _you’re_ a boy with long hair so it doesn't matter and Matteo you said to me papa I don’t feel very much like a boy,” he said.

“Oh,” Matteo said, he didn’t remember that, he remembered his cousins, he remembered the teasing, he remembered them hugging him tightly when he cried and them not doing it again. But he didn’t remember that.

“Wow,” David whispered.

“I asked you what do you feel like and you said I just feel like me but I don’t think that’s a boy, it’s not a girl or a boy, it’s just me why do I have to be either, why did you have to be anything at all and you cried and you were so distressed and all I could do was hug you and promise it would be ok, I didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry that I didn’t know what to do,” his papa said.

“This was when he was three?” David asked, he was clearly shocked.

“Three or four, maybe five. Matteo was always very small I can’t remember the year now. And he was always strangely old and immensely young at the same time. He knew though, I believed him on this, I just didn’t understand it. I should have tried harder but I was dealing with my own papa having a go at me for being too gentle with you that I think I lost track. That was a very stressful holiday for me. You coming here now and saying these things makes so much sense. If I’d known then about this stuff I would’ve helped you but honestly had no answer for you,” he said.

“I knew,” his mama said. “I didn't know what it was just that there was something about you. First, when you told me you were gay I thought maybe that was it. But then David, you told me about yourself and I looked it up to understand you, I saw about nonbinary and I just remembered all these little chats we used to have,” she said.

“We did?”

“And I’m sorry I didn’t know if they were real or I’d imagined them, but I think they were real.”

Matteo knew what she meant, knew how she struggled with a lot of her memories, often unsure if they were a hallucination or real. There were several times where he’d had to patiently explain to her what had happened. He would always help her, never held it against her. Wanted her to have all the good memories she could.

“Matteo, do you remember when you were maybe eight years old? I was not doing well and you came into my room and got into bed with me. This was when papa wasn’t talking to us. I didn’t know what had happened but you were sad, something at school. But you got into my bed and you just cuddled up with me. You asked me what was wrong, you always cared so much,” she said.

“What did you say?”

“I think I said something like, everything feels heavy today Matteo, and you said mama everything feels wrong for me today,” she said. “And I asked what you meant, even though I was struggling I needed to know what was wrong, you seemed so distressed.”

“What did I say?”

“You told me they’d made you play football with the boys at school, and you didn’t want to. Because it was loud and rough and you were very sensitive to touch back then. You probably still are you’ve just learnt to hide it which is terrible I know. I think you asked to sit out, but the teacher made you, again terrible and if I’d been in a better place I would have sorted it with the school. I think you argued with him and he told you that you had to play you were a boy and you had to play. So you asked me how did I know you were a boy, why did everyone think that? How was I so sure you weren't a girl?”

“Oh.”

“I did know a little, I knew some of these things, I may not be a very worldly woman but I do know a few things,” she said.

“What did you say?”

“Remember everything was very heavy and foggy for me. I didn’t really know how to handle this. But I asked you if you thought you were a girl. I don’t know what I would’ve said if you had said yes but I figured I should try and understand what you were thinking. I knew that the answer may not be simple for you, you would always analyse everything. I knew you probably had thoughts on this that you couldn’t express yet. That you didn’t have the language for it, like your papa said you struggled to accept things that we tend to take for granted. You said no you didn’t feel like a girl either. Just not much like the other boys. I didn’t know there were other options back then but I did know there’s no right way to be a boy so I told you I knew because you were my son,” she said.

“Ok?”

“You cried, Matteo you cried when I said that because I didn’t understand you, or what you were feeling. I suppose I was trying to convince you you didn’t have to be typically boyish to be a boy but you weren’t a boy at all, I think you wanted me to tell you that but I didn’t know Matteo,” she said.

“I don’t remember,” Matteo said, this seemed important but he couldn’t remember it at all.

“You were very upset, you block these things sometimes when it upsets you. I’m so sorry that I didn’t know how to comfort you, I’m sorry I wasn’t present enough to help you,” she said.

“Papa?”

“I didn’t know this happened,” he admitted sadly, “I should have noticed. I’ve done so much damage to you, I was trying so hard to protect you from me and look what I’ve done instead.”

“Weren’t you upset?” David asked, “when Matteo said he wasn’t a boy weren’t you upset? Weren't you freaked out?”

His parents both looked at David frowning.

“No David never,” his papa insisted. “I know I fucked up a lot but I loved Matteo, I love Matteo exactly as he is. I’m sorry that you never got that David. And Matteo I’m so sorry you were ever scared to tell us this.”

“It’s not… I think I knew you wouldn’t be mad I was just scared you wouldn’t understand,” Matteo said.

“I think we do,” his mama said, “I think on some level we must, you’ve been telling us for so long if things hadn’t gone so wrong we’d understand you by now. I’m so sorry we failed you again.”

“I… I don’t know if… I’m not sure I was ready before now anyway,” Matteo said.

“I understand,” his father said.

His mother got up from the sofa and went to sit with David. “I know your parents didn’t react well to you, David. I know they’re coming around now and you’re working on it. I know hearing all this must seem like had things not gone wrong for me and Berto everything would have gone perfectly and he would’ve been able to come out and we would’ve accepted him and it would have all been fine,” she said.

“Wouldn’t it?”

“Honestly… for me I don’t think so. I’ve told you this before, when you came out to me, I inadvertently defended your mother, I said that had Matteo told me something like that at age twelve, I would’ve tried to talk him out of it,” she said.

“I remember, because you thought he was too young,” David said.

“Yes but also…”

“Because I’m autistic,” Matteo realised. His mother viewed things very much like him, thought a person could be too many things.

“Yes,” she admitted, “I know we didn't know but we did we all did really and… things were already hard enough for you, you struggled so much already, as a good mother how could I let you put yourself through more difficulty? How could I let you do that to yourself?”

“It’s not something I’m doing to myself, this is who I am,” he insisted.

“I know, I know that now I’m just being honest, I can’t promise that this would’ve gone as well when you were younger is all I’m saying,” she said.

“Ok,” Matteo mumbled.

“No, you would’ve tried,” David said, “because if you denied him this it would’ve caused him pain, you would’ve seen that and you would’ve tried,” he insisted.

“Perhaps. I think Berto would’ve tried, if Berto had stayed and Matteo told us he would’ve tried, I…”

“We’ll never know, I don’t want to dwell on it please, I know I failed you, let me try now, not because I failed but because I love you and this is who you are,” he said.

Matteo felt uneasy, unsure if his mama accepted this or not. It had been going well and now things had taken a turn. Everything felt uncertain. Why were they even dwelling on the past? Couldn’t she just accept him here and now? 

“I’ve upset you,” his mama said.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking. Why are you saying all this stuff? Do you not want this? Are you trying to convince me to change? I can't take it back. This is who I am. Maybe it’s harder but so is pretending. So is ignoring it. I can’t do that anymore. Stop dwelling on hypotheticals. I don’t even get why we're talking about what could’ve happened or what-”

“Oh,” David said, looking up at his mama. “You feel guilty, like Matteo has missed out because you were sick, you’re trying to convince yourself if you were healthy you would’ve been bad at it anyway because you feel like you’ve stolen something from him,” he said and Matteo relaxed. That he understood. 

Guilt was something he understood well. She was trying to reason that she would’ve been a bad mother anyway because the thought of his struggle to understand himself because of her was too difficult to bear.

“I can't David,” she said. 

“Mama I don’t think I would’ve been able to come out properly till I knew what it was. I don’t think you not having depression would’ve helped with that,” Matteo promised.

“I…”

“I think as a family we all need to work on our guilt,” Matteo said.

“I think you’re right Matteo, you always were the smartest one,” his papa said. “You were always a little different from the other children, the girls and boys. You never quite fit. You got on with both but you never were truly either. You know? Here hold on a second...” 

His father got up and went over to the bookshelf and Matteo groaned. He knew what was coming. 

“No papa,” he whined.

He stood there with the photo album, hesitating. “Is it bad, can I show them?” he asked.

“It’s embarrassing,” he muttered.

He relaxed then. “Oh… well, I'm your papa, I'm supposed to embarrass you.” He came to sit down and beckoned his mother and David over, opening the photo album. Matteo groaned again. Didn’t want to see the pictures of himself younger, although he loved looking through the photo albums, it had become a nightmare since he started dating David. 

He didn’t want David taking copies and going on and on about them. His boyfriend was obsessed with collecting photos of him when he was younger, felt like he’d missed out, not meeting Matteo earlier in life.

“I’m gonna need copies of all of these,” David said, proving his point.

They weren’t even that incriminating, just him smaller and blonder, smiling more the younger he got. He wondered what photo his father was looking for. Maybe him in something more typically girly? There would be a lot of those. He wasn’t expecting the one he stopped on.

A photo of Matteo dressed in his church best, tiny dark grey suit, white shirt, and a proper tie. The jacket was over his shoulder because he was too hot, he could see it in his pink cheeks. Smart black shoes on his little feet. 

How his mother got him in that and kept him clean every week he had no idea. He must have kicked off every week. Or maybe not, he tended to do what she asked, even if he didn’t quite understand it. She’d have made sure he could stand the clothes, wouldn't have forced him. He seemed to remember enjoying looking so fancy.

In the photo his hair was past his shoulders, already starting to get darker, curling slightly and damp against his forehead. 

Every Sunday morning his mama sat him down, and patiently combed through it, gently teasing out all the tangles. Stopping every time he got distressed or frustrated. The rest of the time he’d tied it back but for church, he liked it down. Matteo stared at it, despite the hair he didn’t look much like a girl in the photo, didn't look much like a boy either. Just a happy smiling child, quite possibly up to mischief if the grin on his face was anything to go by.

“I think you were about seven here, it was summer I think,” his papa said.

“Oh,” Matteo said.

“Oh my God,” David said. “I… wow look at you Matteo,” he whispered.

“We cut his hair about a week after this picture was taken,” his papa said.

“Why?” David

“Because he wouldn’t brush it, it kept getting tangled in everything, dirty, got it stuck in the tree in the garden so we’d had enough, it was for his own safety, here look,” he said.

He turned the page to a picture of Matteo with a shorter messy bob, freshly cut by his mama, she’d styled it fancy and everything. Meant he could run around without risking breaking his neck but was still able to pull it over his face if he wanted to hide. He’d liked that look.

“Oh this I like Matteo, you should wear it like this again, this is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, you look so stylish,” David said.

“I liked it too, it was cool. Everyone liked it at school too,” he said.

“I liked it because it was so much easier to manage,” his mama commented.

He knew he’d worn her out a lot back then.

“I like your outfit too,” David teased.

“Don’t be rude, I’m stylish, you just said,” Matteo said.

It was a coral coloured dungarees, with a star print pattern on the front pocket. It looked like he was wearing tights or leggings underneath, pink and purple striped yet he wasn’t wearing a shirt underneath the dungarees. Ok, it was a bit odd, but he obviously liked it if his beaming smile was anything to go by.

His dad took the photo out of the book and peered at it, smiling. “You were always more gentle and delicate than the boys at school, yet you could run rings around Jonas and your cousins. You were quiet yet somehow bossy, for all you worry about being invisible, disappearing, Matteo, you have always captivated people, grabbed their attention and held it. There’s something a little magical about you, I always thought. So normal gender how would you call it?”

“Like not trans? Cisgender?” David said.

“No more like me or you David how we are men, or Julia’s a woman but Matteo is not, he’s neither?”

“Oh you mean binary gender,” David said, Matteo didn’t miss the tiny proud smile he wore.

“Oh right, yeah that’s obvious now you say it,” his dad said, chuckling to himself, “I’ll blame the language barrier.”

“You’ve been here nearly thirty years and it’s from Latin papa,” Matteo countered.

His father gave him an unimpressed look. “Look, Matteo, I'm old these things are not part of my everyday language. But look if this binary gender thing doesn't apply to you then I think that makes perfect sense. You’re far too special for that, you’re just this delicate yet strong person. You’re quiet but in the right circumstance your voice will carry strong, people will listen. You were such a goody-two-shoes, and yet the most mischievous, naughtiest child. You are this angelic yet devilish child of ours. If you’re all these contradictions at once, it makes sense that your gender is that way too,” he said.

“Oh, papa that… I like that, it kind of make sense, I really like that,” he said. 

It wasn’t an explanation but it was a nice sentiment. He really liked that description and if it helped his father understand him better then it was perfect.

David laughed gently beside him, wiping his eyes as his father threw an arm around him and gave him a gentle shake.

“I have another one, he’s pretty but handsome too,” David said.

Matteo huffed. 

“Can I show them?” David asked.

“Show us what?” his mama asked instantly curious.

“Not the posy ones the one I posted on insta,” Matteo insisted.

“No too blurry. I know which one though,” David said. 

Matteo rolled his eyes at his rude boyfriend but he didn't really mind.

He frowned when David showed all of them the photo, Matteo hadn’t seen it so he clearly hadn’t shown him all the hundreds of photos he’d taken. He wasn’t posing in this one, was looking away from the camera slightly. Matteo wasn’t sure what he was looking at but he was laughing bright and joyful. David had told him to look sexy and all he’d been able to do was laugh. It made his eyes shine and his cheeks pink, the makeup just accentuating his smile. It was a nice photo. It was real.

“Matteo wow,” his papa said.

“This is beautiful Matteo,” his mama said.

“You get your looks from your mother,” his father said.

“Stop it, Berto,” his mama said, blushing and smiling at his papa with the fondest expression he’d ever seen.

“Don’t make this gross,” Matteo warned but he smiled anyway, he remembered them being like this when he was young, always affectionate with each other before everything had gone wrong.

“Matteo, I’ve never seen you as a girl but it’s very easy for me to let go of the idea of you as a boy,” his papa said.

“And it’s not a problem? Most dads want sons and stuff,” he mumbled.

“Dads like my dad you mean? I just wanted a child, a baby to take care of, me and your mama both. I had all this love to give to you and to me, you’re perfect, and deserving of it always,” he said.

“Papa,” Matteo whispered.

“I love you, Matteo, exactly as you are,” his papa said with certainty.

“Mama?”

“I don’t want to scare you, Matteo,” she said.

Instantly Matteo was on edge. “Scare me?” he asked.

“You don’t like when I talk of the things I see,” she said.

“Ok?”

“You know my faith is important to me, I know you don’t like it but it is,” she continued.

He nodded slowly, heart sinking. “Mama I asked Amira and she said we’re all made from god,” he insisted, trying to stay calm and not get desperate.

“I know Matteo but may I tell you how I see it?” 

His papa smiled and patted his knee. “Your mother has always thought you were an angel, gifted to her from god,” he said.

“Oh.”

“And now you tell me this and I know it’s a bit silly but well angels don’t have gender see? Not like us so this makes sense, to me it makes sense,” she said, patting his cheek.

She couldn't believe that, surely?

“See it’s just more proof for her,” his papa.

“I’m not an angel mama,” Matteo said.

“You are to me,” she insisted.

“Oh,” he whispered, overwhelmed. 

He’d expected to have to justify himself, argue against her faith and her beliefs. What he hadn’t expected was for her already have reasoning, already have it fit in with what she believed. It may not be anything close to the truth but they both had their own views on how the world worked and if this was how she could understand it he wasn’t going to argue. He may not be an angel, but he didn’t mind his mama thinking that.

David sniffled and leant against him, Matteo just held him tight. “Ok?”

“I’m not jealous, I'm happy, this is how it should be,” David said.

“Perhaps, but just because your parents didn’t react this way doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you,” his papa said.

“Still…”

“David did you know how hard it was for us to have Matteo?” his papa asked.

“No,” David said.

Matteo kind of knew this, they’d mentioned it before, that he was a miracle child to them but he hadn't ever gotten round to telling David.

“I wanted a child more than anything,” his mama said, “Berto too but it was hard, hard for me to get pregnant. It took us many years of prayer and hope-”

Matteo laughed, couldn’t help it. “Did you perhaps try having-”

“Matteo don’t you dare finish that thought,” his mother warned, grinning at him. How she thought he was an angel was beyond him.

“You’re such a little shit Matteo,” David said, shoving him. Matteo shoved back and they started pushing at each other until his mama cleared her throat. Both of them looked at her apologetically while his papa laughed.

“Throughout my pregnancy, I was terribly ill, physically I mean. I was exhausted and sick, the last couple of months I could barely get out of bed but when you came to me, when I finally had you in my arms I knew no matter what I would do anything for you. It had all been worth it. You were such a sickly and delicate little thing and you needed so much care but I believe it was because we loved you so much that you got stronger. Papa took care of both of us and you were ok,” she said.

“And I think we knew even early on that, you were a little different from the other kids. You wouldn’t even try preschool, you were so clingy with us. And maybe we indulged it but what was the harm? We loved you, we wanted you at home. Because you’re not too clingy or too quiet. You’re not too much of anything, we love you exactly for who you are. You’re our child, we fought for you and you are so special to us Matteo, I will be sorry for the rest of my life for how things turned out, but no matter what I always loved you and I always will.”

“Thank you, papa,” Matteo said.

“And you David, you are equally special because you understand Matteo on a level we could have never dreamed of, I am so glad you’ve found each other, so glad you can be a part of our family,” his mama said.

“Thank you Julia,” David said.

“And we’ll love you always,” she continued.

“You’re very strange parents,” David said, it clearly slipped out, he looked surprised that he’d even said that.

His papa didn’t look offended just smiled at him.

“It’s complicated… Berto was so fixated on being the perfect parent. My parents were also overly strict. My father always hated the way we allowed you to be so soft. I think we encouraged it even more because it was just who you were. I was afraid of my father and I never wanted you to feel afraid of me,” she said.

“I never did,” Matteo promised. It was the truth, things had been scary and he’d been scared for her often but never afraid of her. 

Even earlier when he’d been too scared to come in and tell them he wasn’t scared of them or even how they would react. He was scared of disappointing them, confusing them, making them think he was difficult. But through everything that had happened, he’d always known they’d loved him. Even when he was leaving, despite his own distress Matteo remembered their fight, remembered his father begging him to understand why he was going. Insisted that he loved him even as he walked away.

“So you’re still our Matteo, our nonbinary child? When we talk of you what are we to say?” his mama asked.

“Do you know about pronouns mama, like when you talk about me you say he?”

“Yes, oh I’ve been doing that all night Matteo,” his papa said worriedly.

“I know and it’s ok, if it hurt I would tell you. It doesn’t right now but I think since talking about it I’m more aware of it, I don’t know how much is because I’ve just gotten used to it or that it’s just ok. That’s something I have to work out I think. If it’s fine and I’m comfortable I don’t mind you saying he, if it’s something I’m dealing with because it was always easier that’s not ok. Things will have to change. But I don’t know yet. But you know now and I’ll tell you when I work it out,” Matteo said.

There was a lot of stuff he’d adapted to that perhaps he shouldn't have. Just to fit in, to try and have an easy life. Except it wouldn’t have been an easy life for him, just for others and that wasn’t fair. He was hurting himself, like when he would force himself to parties when he knew he couldn’t deal with the atmosphere or staying in conversations when he just felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed and just needed to switch off. This could be something similar, like when he let people call him a boy for years because he didn’t know how to correct them. He was starting to wonder if the pronoun thing was the same, or even if it was something he’d gotten used to. He didn’t like change too much and it would be a huge adjustment for him and everyone else but some change was good and if he could find something that fit better that would be amazing.

“May I call you my angel?” his mama asked.

“You can but I'm not,” he insisted.

“He’s definitely not,” David agreed, the asshole.

“He is to me,” his mama said.

David just smiled fondly when Matteo stuck his tongue out.

Later that night Matteo was absolutely wiped out, completely done. It had been a lot, coming out to his parents. It was nicer to do it in person this time around but the first time he wasn’t in any place to manage that. He was absolutely exhausted from all of it. He’d walked home in complete silence, David just patiently walking with him, holding his hand and giving him space to think. It had gone well. To be honest that was probably the best outcome he could have hoped for. His parents got him, loved him, accepted this new fact about him with ease. He should’ve felt good about that and he did but he also felt weird and he didn’t know why.

When they got back to the apartment he went straight to the bed and collapsed onto it, only moving when David dragged him up and made him change out of his clothes. When he was dressed more comfortably in some joggers and David’s softest, oldest hoodie he laid back down and watched his boyfriend wandering around the apartment, tidying up, drawing the curtains, and switching off all the lamps apart from the one next to the bed. Then he came over to the bed and laid down beside him.

“Ok?” he asked, “if you don’t want to talk it’s ok, but can you let me know how you’re doing. Just if you’re ok?”

“I think I’m ok,” Matteo mumbled.

“Sleep or talk?”

“Talk please,” Matteo said.

“Ask questions or give you time?” David asked, reaching out and stroking his face. Fingers tracing over his lips, his nose, across his eyes which were now closed.

“Can I have a bit more time first, then ask?”

“Ok,” David said, continuing to stroke his face.

Matteo just laid on his back, he opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling and blinking hard to try and stop the tears. “David,” he whispered.

David didn't say anything just pulled him against him, settling his head on his chest so that he could listen to his heart and calm down.

“I think maybe I’m just over-emotional,” Matteo said finally.

“Not overly though? Just emotional,” David said.

“Yeah just emotional,” Matteo agreed, Lea his therapist had told him that when he tried to explain it and he’d told David what she’d said. Now he seemed to be making it his mission to remind Matteo he wasn’t over or too much anything.

Just because he got emotional to a different degree didn’t mean it was too much or over the top. He processed it differently and sometimes, like right now it overwhelmed him. So in moments when he was supposed to be happy he felt like crying instead.

“It was hard? Talking about your childhood, back when it was good?”

“Yeah I… I miss it?”

“Of course you do you were happy, before everything went wrong they kept you safe and happy. It’s ok to feel nostalgic for that,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah of course,” David assured him.

“I was happy back then, even though everything was confusing I was happy. Before things got difficult I was really happy.”

“You looked happy in all the pictures,” David said, picking up his phone to look at them. Of course, he’d taken snaps of all of them. “I like to look at these and imagine you happy and free.”

Matteo watched him swiping through them, shaking his head at his sentimental boyfriend 

“This here reminds me of a drawing I did,” David said.

Matteo knew immediately which one he meant, the one he had posted on instagram back before they’d talked. Little clues to his mind, his thoughts.

“The ballerina? The dancer boy?”

“Yes. Wow you pay attention,” David mused.

The photo was Matteo a little older than the others his papa showed them, hair finally short enough to match Jonas’. He was wearing one of his mama’s soft pink woollen jumpers like a dress, sleeves pulled over his hands and paired with his papa’s heavy black boots. A contradiction was right. He wasn’t smiling, was standing and staring into his mama’s long mirror.

His papa had taken the picture, Matteo hadn't even noticed. He’d only realised how many he’d taken after he came back and brought boxes of them out of his office. Back then he’d barely spoken to him but still tried his hardest to document his childhood. Matteo was glad of it now. He loved looking back at old memories, had pored over his parents own childhood photos. His papa must’ve understood how much he’d like to do the same with his own.

“I look stupid,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because they don’t go together,” he said.

“Why they’re just clothes?” David asked, “you’re what nine here?”

Matteo just stared at the photo.

“Just… I look like… I think… David, I’ve always just felt like this mismatched jumble of a person. Like I was made from the leftover parts of all the other girls and boys, everything was not quite right and not quite mine, I never fit. I tried all these things, I thought stuff like this looked good… but I liked it, I liked it because they couldn’t possibly see me as a boy dressed like this, it made them pause, I wanted them to ask not assume.”

“God I love you,” David said, rolling them over so he was laying on top of him, squashing him down onto the bed.

Matteo blinked up at him. “What?”

“I love you. I love you so much. The things you say are so beautiful sometimes and it blows me away. Matteo, you bring so much joy to my life every damn day and I wish… I wish I’d known you then to tell you you weren't alone in feeling this way. That I didn’t feel quite the same but damn did I understand that feeling, that I too was a mess of parts that weren't quite mine,” David said, hands under his arms, squeezing him tight. 

Matteo reached up and tangled his hands in his hair. “Oh David,” he whispered.

“Yeah… how do you feel now?” David asked, leaning down and giving him a gentle kiss.

Matteo thought about it for a second. That nervous panicky feeling was gone, he was safe and calm. He could just revel in how happy he was that his parents loved him, without it overwhelming and consuming him.

“Good I think, yeah good,” he said.

“You should, today was a lot but it went well. How they reacted that was everything you deserved,” David said, wistfully.

“You deserve it too,” Matteo said.

David nodded. “We all do. We all deserve that kind of love and patience from our parents but sadly we don’t always get it. But I’m so happy for you,” he said. “I think for a long time everything was stacked against them, everything was hard for them but through it all they loved you. Nothing could stop that. Hell my parents loved me this whole time they were just far less open about it. They’re learning to try harder, to your parents it’s automatic, they’ll always try for you.”

“They already knew,” Matteo whispered. 

All this time they’d known him, known these things about him, understood him. Always tried to encourage him to be himself, it’s just none of them knew who that was or how to help him find out.

“Just like you, they didn’t have the language for it but they knew,” David said.

“Yeah I… is it possible we all knew and just forgot? Just… let it go?”

“How do you mean?” David asked, settling down on top of him, knowing it was a comfort for him.

“Well like she never really calls me her son a lot,” Matteo said.

He hadn’t even noticed until she told him that story.

“She must have noticed it hurt you, she really tried. What does she call you, instead of son?”

“Like sunshine and angel and stuff, I like all of that better,” he said.

David cuddled him. “Suits you better,” he said.

“And papa, he just loves me I think, always has.”

“Yeah,” David said.

“Sorry that your parents weren't good,” Matteo mumbled sleepily as David leant over him to turn off the lamp.

“We’re getting there, plus yours love me so that’s good too, I have a big family now,” David said. 

“You do, David?”

“Yes Matteo?”

“Do you think… I just… if we all knew, if we’d just figured it out…”

“Matteo, when did you figure you were gay?”

“When I was thirteen? Twelve? Sometime back then,” Matteo admitted, wondering where he was going with it.

“How many people did you tell?”

“No one,” he said, frowning even though David couldn’t possibly see.

“When did your mama get really bad?” he asked.

“When I was fourteen,” Matteo said.

“When did you stop telling people you weren't a boy?”

“Oh.”

It clicked where David was going with his questions.

“Oh?” 

“Maybe eleven,” he said.

“Why did you stop?”

“No one understood,” Matteo said.

“Even if you and your parents understood it wasn’t easy, Tay said it was the same for them, their parents were super understanding that didn’t mean they were anywhere near ready to accept themselves, they fought it a long time. I think this is happening at the right time,” David insisted.

“Oh David I love you,” Matteo whispered.

It was the right time now, he was ready and he wanted to understand it, before he would have wanted to bury it deep. He had buried it deep, just given in and accepted what they all told him. He wasn’t brave enough back then, even if his parents had been ok he wasn’t ready for it. David was right, he’d grown and learnt so much and now was the right time, now he was ready to accept it, and to make people understand him.

“I love you too,” David murmured, kissing along his jaw, making him shiver. He giggled he couldn’t help it.

“Thank you for getting it,” he said.

“Always, I always get you, Teo,” David said, continuing to kiss and cuddle him, reminding him of how safe he was.

“Yeah, you do because you’re the best. I'm ok I think,” Matteo said.

“I think you’re amazing Matteo, this is amazing and I’m so proud of you, I see you growing every day you know? You didn’t shutdown about this once, even though it was so scary to talk about you were open and honest and you talked. From watching you I don’t think I can ever be closed off again, certainly not around you. I can always talk to you because you’re so wonderful, but you’re so strong and you always listen and think and take so much time to understand things,” David said.

“But I see you too, I’ve learnt from you to be brave, I see you be so brave every day and it makes me brave,” Matteo said.

“What you said earlier, about feeling mismatched, when I was little I always felt uncomfortable, always felt like a mockery of a boy and it hurt. And to hear you talk about it, it was very different for me but at the same time, I can understand you and you can understand me. Not in our experience but in the attention we pay each other, the patience we show, you know what I mean. I know I told you before that I make my own fate and I do. But when I say I’m happy to call you my soulmate it’s not because that’s comfortable for you, it’s because you fucking are. Our souls or our characters or whatever it is that makes us us, it fucking matches Matteo, it’s not fate or destiny but it’s who we are as people, we complement each other perfectly. 

“We’re not the same, we’re different in so many ways but… you are exactly what I needed and I am exactly what you needed right?”

“Yes. That’s exactly it, oh wow, oh David, I love you, I love you so much,” Matteo whispered.

David just kissed him again. Now Matteo was overwhelmed again but for entirely different reasons. He was overwhelmed by David’s love and that was always a good thing, always something he could let himself get lost in. Safe with David always. He felt completely content now, at ease, relieved. He’d told everyone that needed to know for now and they all still loved him so much. They all wanted to come on this journey with him.

Matteo was going to learn who he was, what all of this meant. He was going to make sense of everything he’d been feeling since he was a small child. All that confusion and distress, he was done with that. Matteo was excited for everything to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so much fun to write, it was wonderful to dive into Matteo's POV in this verse. I don't think I'm ready to let go of it at all. There have been some asks and there is so much more to explore so watch this space.
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> I love nonbinary Matteo and now that I've started there's gonna be more, probably outside of this verse because it just fits for me.  
> This is just a short three-parter in this verse going through Matteo's journey as he comes to understand himself. It's all written so should be up soon. Once I've tidied it up that is.
> 
> Next up - Matteo talks to his friends featuring makeovers with Hans, park conversations with Jonas and religion 101 with Amira.


End file.
